Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Don't Bulbs Burn Out?

Bad luck decorates her branches
flashing on and off like
strings of lights on a christmas tree.

Misfortune glows
as if fueled by noonday sun
under cloudless sky.

Each day she longs
for someone who might notice,
turn some switch,
dim the lights, pull a plug, and
diminish her pain. No hero
lurks nearby on prancing steed.

Don’t filaments fray,
bulbs burn out
and fail to ignite
one more time?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

There's a quiet desparation here that really appeals to me, a sense of growing realization that there isn't going to be anyone coming to her rescue.

Some criticisms, if I may, just my opinion, of course,

I would consider "christmas" instead of "decorative", since that time of year is the loneliest for many people,

and I would try breaking the last two lines up into three:

Don’t filaments fray?
Don't bulbs burn out,
failing to ignite one more time?

or something along those lines. It mirrors your title, it enhance the aliteration of the first and second lines, and would also focus your readers' minds more actively on the last line, at the end of the read, so that the metaphor, its meaning and implications stay longer in people's thoughts.

Good stuff Vex, a very good read.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

my original draft had christimas. I like the line breaks idea too. Thanks

vexations

author comment

At one time in my life I could relate to this "quiet desperation" as Jim so apptly described it. I will only say I do like Jims suggestion to break up the last two lines into three.
I really enjoyed this.

Lori

and accept my thanks for reading and commenting here. Bill

vexations

author comment

Oh my gosh my friend, hero is what I do best lol. well maybe not what I do best but what I like to do most haha. this sounds like a lonely soul looking for someone to just be there. very nice write, I can feel her pain

Randy

You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down

hi I like this stanza especially the second half of it
"Each day she longs
for someone who might notice,
turn some switch,
dim the lights, pull a plug, and
diminish her pain. No hero
lurks nearby on prancing steed. "

and this "Don’t filaments fray,
bulbs burn out
and fail to ignite
one more time?",,,,,,,,,I liked this write ,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.