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Lexicon (Complete Revision of Colloquial)

Submitted by lou on Thu, 2011-04-07 17:30

Contortion of a warped treain of thought,
vocabulary articulated with diction,
colloquial argot.

Lexicon of the abstract and abstruse,
conception of an illusion.
Manipulating consciousness.

Vociferous articulating of intense emotion,
or inaudible machinations of a warped mind.
Halcyon conversation.

Language is my passion

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Race_9togo

Thu, 2011-04-07 20:36

Race_9togo's picture
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I like this one a lot.
Imo, if you could lose as many of the conjunctions as you can, perhaps replacing them with punctuation, this would really tighten things up, and help your little piece give that swift rap on readers' heads, heehee.
I would incluse one cuss, perhaps your favorite swear word, in the end lines as well: that would have great impact.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

lou

Thu, 2011-04-07 22:53

lou's picture

Thank you that's a great help

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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scribbler

Thu, 2011-04-07 22:35

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kept rereading to find what seemed missing. I think it may be in last stanza. With rest of poem portraying different sides maybe something like :
One swear word can say more
than one thousand words
and one word of beauty
more than a myriad curses
ever can
Imo this might be the balance that seemed lacking .....................stan PS almost forgot to say I think this one of your best I've read

lou

Thu, 2011-04-07 22:55

lou's picture

Thank you. I thought that another stanza might be in order.

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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lou

Sat, 2011-04-09 05:09

lou's picture

I find that few swear words every now and again, releave the pressure LOL !!!

Glad that you enjoyed this one.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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Candlewitch

Tue, 2011-04-12 11:26

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We are like minded! I use the words "fuck" and "bitch" often, when I feel they are appropriate. Good work!

love, Cat

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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

lou

Tue, 2011-04-12 13:57

lou's picture

Sometimes the only thing that you can do is swear.

Much love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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lou

Tue, 2011-04-12 13:58

lou's picture

Thanks

Love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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weirdelf

Tue, 2011-04-12 15:37

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but that doesn't make this a poem, it's a bit of a ramble really, isn't it?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lou

Tue, 2011-04-12 16:58

lou's picture

any chance of any constructive suggestions?

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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weirdelf

Tue, 2011-04-12 18:10

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if you take out the line breaks and read it you will find it is just prose. It needs a thorough re-write to actually encompass poetic values.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lou

Wed, 2011-04-13 06:36

lou's picture

Thanks

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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