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Questions of Survival (parts I and II)

Question Of Survival
part I

inconsequential thoughts
roamed randomly through her head.
too weary was she to concentrate
on the uncaring things he'd said.

selfish and insensitive
when he was high on coke.
he was like a stranger,
so easy to provoke.

When he laid his hands on her,
it was a tumble of the dice,
whether he'd bruise her skin
or touch of heaven's slice.

she wondered was it worth the pain
and the terrible unknowing.
should she pull up stakes now,
with the child inside her growing?

Questions of Survival part II

what a relief it would be to know
ragged lines will no longer pour
to be heard by her weary ears
Lies she's heard more than once before

he's said he will try to change
til he finds someone else to blame
It seems to come easy for him
Deception is his middle name

She needs to get far from him
And all of his hard lying ways
surprised is she he won't get lost
In the haze of his own mendacious maze

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Thank you for all the help I received on this piece of parts! I appreciate it! Cat
Editing stage: 

Comments

to me it should be one poem.
the truth of it goes on every day
I like this alot, my opinion for a title is.
THE VICTIM AND THE CHILD
her being the vitim him being the child
but for her there is no time for thought
for a real child is about to happen,
it must come first
I think that it needs a little work.
because truth must be clear and precise.
Eddie oxox old friend

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I appreciate every one of them.

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

How nice it always is to see you. I've solved my problem of if it should be one or two poems by making them parts I and II. I think part II is still a little rough and needs help. If you have anymore ideas please do share them with me.

It has been eight months since my ulcer ate into an artery and caused to lay me low. I have been struggling every day to find my way back, both physically and mentally. My short term memory is improving and I am getting around well. I will always remember that August 12th, for the rest of my life.

The writing is coming back for me, but I have to work hard for it. So thank you for telling me your ideas and suggestions. I hope you are well, too.

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Thanks for your help in fleshing this out!

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

I read them together and it wasn't bad at all! Thanks for the suggestion, but for now I will leave them as parts, I and II. I still think part II needs help, though. Thank you for the suggestion.

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Thanks for reading and for your advice.

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Cat,

I can't remember if you've sent me this already, but I think not.

These are two separate poems but with links between them...the easy part is that you want to add them to your book, so they can go on the same page allowing the reader to decide if they want to read them as one or two individual pieces.

How about not giving this one a title, and simply separate poem one from two with a double line break?
Great tempo and flow, although I think you could drop the word 'give' from this stanza:

When he laid his hands on her,
it was a tumble of the dice,
whether he'd bruise her skin
or give a touch of heaven's slice

I'll come back and offer further suggestions later tonight.

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Thanks for your suggestions and thoughts on these pieces. I think I have solved the problem by making them parts of a whole. taking out the word "give" does make it flow more smoothly. I would love to hear more suggestions for part II if you have the time.

love, cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Top part only, for me. I like the way it ends on a question without answering it, leaving the reader to think about that answer. I also like the lack of moralising as well, also leaving it to the reader.

forth stanza, first line,

"she wondered if it was worth the pain"

I would edit:

"she wondered, was worth the pain"

makes the cadence better.

I like the second part, but would prefer the two separate.

Good work, on both sections.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thank you for the considerable time you put into thinking about your answer. I have amended the sentence in question for something smoother. I hope you like it. If you have any suggestions for part II I would love to read them.

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

I forgot that "it"!
Glad you DIDN'T take my advice.

;)

I'll read part II and see if I can find anything.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

for part II : What relief, it would be to know
Ragged lines will no longer pour
Into her weary mind and ears
Lies heard, more than once before

I think that the use of the word [lines] wouldn't change the meaning, and then you would be able to use the word lies without having to repeat.

And then maybe say: Surprised is she, he [won't] get lost.
In his own mendacious maze.

I think it keeps the cadence better. Great theme! ~ Love ya, ~ Gee

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Thank you so much for your suggestions which I have implemented into the structure of this piece. I think it flows more easily now.

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment
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