Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

spoken through clouds

swirling eyes
closed inside closets
the black
seeps into my blood
as your voice
weaves stories
outside of a star's warmth

pulling heart
I sweep
sleep
from the sun,
cover myself in silence
waiting
waiting
as if floating
outside of body realms

a click of light
in the dark,
the need
that pulls breath to you
from me
and I fall
from heaven's door

Editing stage: 

Comments

I will be the first to say I am no free verse expert (or any other type lol). But I will give an alternative you can consider for 3rd stanza :
a click
then sudden light
in the darkness
......................................just an idea that you can use or not if you think it might improve this compact write...............scribbler

Thank you so much for your suggestion, I will play with it.

♥ Melissa

author comment

That last line...'I fall from heaven's door' just brings some magic images to mind, the fall from grace to be who we are and not who people think we need to be, I like it as an ending or even as a beginning again. Your writes always make me think and sigh a lot. This one is no different.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Exactly, I was hoping the heaven's door would read like that. Thank you, Chez.

♥ Melissa

author comment

Poetry, for me, is in large part words that when brought together in certain ways cause an emotional reaction far in excess of their mere meaning.
Your poem does exactly this, for me. The anticipation, the changing conciousness, the build up to the ending, all are excellent, and the ending, as CC says, is magical, to me.

The only minor thing (very minor) is the word "of" in the last line of the first stanza, imo uneccessary, and I think losing it would undo the minor hesitancy in the cadence of that line that I encountered while reading.

A very good write, one that I will return to.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thank you so much, Jim. I truly will stop by your page this weekend, life seems to have no pause button at the moment. I'm so glad that you have enjoyed it as you have.

♥ Melissa

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.