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"After You Touch"

Think of the future,
not only the past,
think of the reasons,
relationships don't last.

Remember your actions,
and the things you can change,
fix all those things,
that your lover finds strange.

Give your heart freely,
with no strings attached,
give yourself over,
so you're equally matched.

Take a walk through the park,
sit on the swings,
take a moment to listen,
as a lovely bird sings.

Tell her you love her,
don't say it too much,
just make sure you tell her,
after you touch.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
Just a sweet little ditty that spring has dredged up, lol.
Editing stage: 

Comments

A love poem reflecting a very gentle and considerate man. I like the title very much. And these are my favorite lines:

Remember your actions and the things you can change,
fix all those things that your lover finds strange

Suggestion: I would omit these lines, as they seem unnecessary:

If your reading this poem and don't understand,
just be truthful and offer your hand.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I will omit them, I wasn't sure about them anyway.Thanks Cat:-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

This would be an interesting piece to work on in the "Shark Pool" workshop on Critique, coming up soon.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I will provide nothing of mine for you to rip into chum and make shark food for your own amusement.Go hock you BS somewhere else.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

Side to your writing I see. I like this way better and try to say the same thing with less words. I had to do that for when I do a rewrite on something, I am like man that is all over the page.

I like the softness of this write and I believe it came from your heart where alot of good poetry to me begins.. I can give a crit if you like

Mona

I don't mind at all, have a go at it.I kind of like it like this, but any improvements are fine with me:-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

Here is my swing on it. I just reformatted it and took out and added in. Now King you know this is only Mona's take on it. Take what you will and swing out the no wants.. I like it either way

Think of the future,
not only the past,
Think of the reason
a relationship did'nt last.

Remember your actions,
the things you can change,
Fix all those things
your lover finds strange.

Give your heart freely
with no strings attached,
Hand yourself over
so you're equal in match.

Take a walk in the park
sit on the swings,
Share the moments and listen
to a lovely bird sing..

Tell her you love her,
don't say it much,
Just make sure you tell her
with your heart felt touch..

I wrote this little tidbit for you

Anastasia and King

It’s a real love swing
Blends as a butter cream
In a wondrous love dream
Sharing their love day after day
Only a King can do it that way
Seek for a star, falling ones too
Life's just beginning, for both of you
Anastasia and King
It’s a real love swing
Blends as a butter cream
In a wondrous love dream

Make sure you show it to her or read it to her

Blessings
Mona

I reformatted it, like you suggested, I also trimmed it a little and used one of your lines.I do like it better this way, I did read your little poem to my baby, she got a kick out of it, lol.She told me to tell you thank you(through big smiles btw, lol):-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

And you see it reads just fine now and the less words is better but the same message is all in it. You have to practice this over and over for when I first started writing I was repeated too many words and over using the same sentences. Hence I practice. I am always here if you would like me to help you or anyone else. I am not an expert but I am one who cares about the written word and the messages I recieve from it. That is what it is all about. You are on your way to writing some great poetry and never let anyone persuade you into your journey as your love to write is what matters most of all and not the garbage in the blog posts. Oops sorry I did not mean to mention that. I say a blog is educational when it teaches and not preaches. I know I sound like a preacher sometime but my intent is never to be a negative person but to allow all writers the freedom of expression and the encouragement to excel in whatever it is they have a passion for.

Happy Easter to you and your sweet heart.
I am glad you liked my little ditty write
Be happy and never let anyone take that away from you

Love and Peace
Ms Mona

Its kind of funny, some of your suggestions were in my earliest draft of this, lol.Thank you Rosi:-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

Third couplet you need 'you're' not 'your' but that's all I got, the rest reads pretty sweet as a ditty.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

I have made the fix, I honestly don't know how I missed it, lol.Thank you again, your help is very much appreciated.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

KZ,

my problem with this one is I know the usual themes you write about (dark and evil), so this threw me a little.

It is very calm and gentle, but I just wonder if it sounds overall a little limp. Not sure if limp is a fair word to use but I can't think of another right now.

It is lines like this "as a lovely bird sings" that feel a little...yup, gonna use limp!

This has huge potential, I just think it needs a little more emotion as it kind of just touches the surface at the moment.

That all said, I like it, I just wanted a little more emotion and strength.

The concept is good and I do like how you wrapped it up in the last stanza.

Hope I was of some use,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

I know what you mean, I wrote the pretty fast with my baby in mind and she has a way of bringing the soft out in me, lol.This post was never intended for any real purpose other than to put a smile on my girls face.Thank you HS, your comments are always of use.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

KZ,

if it put a smile on your 'girls face' then it was worth writing wasn't it.

I just know you have an aggressive inner soul and release that with some ratehr wicked poems, so you can imagine my surprise to see your 'nice' poem.

Promise me, you'll be back to the harsh and nasty soon!!

LOL!

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

I have a few of these nice ones, I never even wrote nice/love poems *ever* before I met her.Its funny how one can cause such a change in another, lol.I will be posting something dark next, I promise, lol.Oh, got more than a smile btw,(she told me to add that) lol;-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

KZ,

LOL!

I need no more details thanks!!

HS ;)

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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