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Emily My Love
Emily my love
How is it
That you are so far away
I can never hold you in my arms
But you are so close
I can never let you go in my heart
How is it
I can see your smile
And never taste your lips
How is it
I can close my eyes and dream of you
Then open my eyes
And my dreams never come true
How is it
In this whole crazy world
Two lost souls found each other
The way we did
How is it
We will never kiss
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
hobo
Mon, 2011-04-04 12:09
Emily
Emily is all of the girls from across the pond and around the world who have stolen my heart :)
You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down
author commenthobo
Mon, 2011-04-04 12:46
it could be
it could be for emily too lol. no this is the first time I posted it here. I believe but I could be wrong
You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down
author commentRace_9togo
Mon, 2011-04-04 16:42
Hello Hobo
An interesting take on love poems.
I thought your title to be OK, though a bit run-of-the-mill.
You language use is very very good, and the rhythm is excellent.
The theme...yah well its a love poem, you know? But it's different, and you've done a good job, taking a theme way over-used and making it your own.
The beginning is all right, but the ending is wonderful, just exactly right, to me.
What strikes me here in your poem is its whistful poignancy, the sadness of distance and yearning that can never be fulfilled.
Good stuff, it's good to see you writing...and good luck with the comedy thing.
;)
Nice-looking bull, btw.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-04-05 12:04
Dear Hobo,
I like this piece on love, but I suggest you reduce the title to Just "Emily." as the other seems a bit old fashioned. My favorite lines are:
How is it
In this whole crazy world
Two lost souls found each other
The way we did
How is it
We will never kiss
The longing is evident and well expressed.
always, Cat
*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
hobo
Wed, 2011-04-06 13:26
Emily
I think you are right, I think I do like it better with just the title Emily
Thanks
Randy
You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down
author commenthobo
Wed, 2011-04-06 13:28
love hound
I am such a love hound. I will do anything for a kiss from a beautiful gal, thanks for the kiss lol :)
you know me well
You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down
author commentPsyve
Wed, 2011-04-06 15:45
Hobo
I liked the wistfulness of this piece. And for some inexplicable reason, it reminded me of Simon & Garfunkel's classic "America":
"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all gone to look for America
No reason.
Just did.
Maybe it had something to do with the simple uncomplicatedness of young love...
Anyway, just wanted you to know this one touched me.
Psyve
hobo
Thu, 2011-04-07 13:27
thank you
Thank you my friend, it really helps to keep me writing when I get comments like this. thank you :)
Randy
You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down
author commenthobo
Thu, 2011-04-07 13:28
good title
that is a good title too. thank you for your comment. I am glad you like it :)
You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down
author comment