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the stars wish i would stop penning hope

the mountains around me are tired
of sitting still
and i am sick of writing poems on this coffee table,
an empty mug on flat wood
a bonsai hating yellow and that sunrise
wilting
like all the leaves in today's rain
like the pianoforte through these four walls,
some kind fingers
playing temporary pauses
for the sound sleeping outside shaded windows—
its mouth full of love songs and nostalgia

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
I'm compiling a "working book" and will like any suggestions to improve before i submit it to the press. thanks in advance! oh, and i'm happy to return any constructive critiques :)
Editing stage: 

Comments

Your images are always precise in your writing, I never have to search for them, they tend to jump at you. I perhaps would remove one of the 'like' as when they follow each other if makes me want to pause too long there and it interrupts the flow, one would be sufficient I feel. Glad you are doing a book, are we able to get copies or is this just for you?

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

right now, i'm keeping the like since i'm working with repetition for a while :) but thanks, i might come back and change it. if i ever manage to get something printed, i'll send you a copy ;)

author comment

Awesome, and sure if it's something you're working on by all means...and I will hold you to a copy of your book

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

And a copy to me too Ann of Norway? Please!!

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

of course :)

author comment

Yes the images are strong and in my mind i can hear the piano, nice poem. Good luck with your book. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

thank you :)

author comment

"the mountains around me are tired
of sitting still"
How we loved it and laughed at this wonderful thought.

"and i am sick of writing poems on this coffee table,"
Then this beautifully mundane table stained with coffee.

"an empty mug on flat wood"...such tactile senses stirred.

"a bonsai hating yellow" SMILING

"and that sunrise
wilting" SUPER

"like all the leaves in today's rain" ...each thought a haiku in itself.

"like the pianoforte through these four walls,
some kind fingers
playing temporary pauses" ...how one knows this!!!!

"for the sound sleeping outside shaded windows—"...mind blowing synapses.

Do you know I found the last line suddenly slightly out of context and banal,
don't you think so Steven(Esker?) I don't know, but the rest of it is so fantastically wonderful I don't know what language to use, but its just damned good. Terrific you paper umbrella floating past my window in the mist this dawn, it fitted the atmosphere just right, thank you for the experience of it and love from Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

thank you :) i agree, i had a hard time with the ending on this one..i'll put this aside and maybe inspiration will give me another ending lol!

author comment

yep, i agree about the last line

author comment

Since we are asking for copies, may I have one as well?

♥ Melissa

that's a given ;)

author comment
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