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Spring

Spots of green reaching
through moist fertile soil they push
vernal plants emerging

rewrite:
Spots of green reaching
pushing through moist fertile soil
vernal plants emerging

rewrite
spots of green reaching
pushing through moist fertile soil
tender plants appear

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

of Spring, is evident. I do think that the 2nd line a lttle unwieldy. Maybe you could eliminate the last two words, and just say: through moist, fertile soil? It wouldn't change the meaning. ~ Gee

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Nice to see you and Springs arrival, too. I think this would read more smoothly like this:

Spots of green reaching
pushing through moist fertile soil
vernal plants emerging

Just a suggestion.

Always, Cat

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with Candlewitch, a nice time to find meaning and inspiration from our environment.

vexations

a nice expression of spring..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Cat,
I have taken the suggestion you gave and agree. It does have a better flow to it.
Many thanks to you as well Vexation and Raj.

Autumn Phoenix

author comment

So there is no room for repetition.
Vernal means spring.
pushing through is very close to emerging.
If you replaced those words with something relating to your feelings or a philosophical idea you could have a much deeper haiku.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Hello Jess and Chrys
It is good to have your comments. More importantly thank you for taking the time to read my poem. No excuse for the miss count of the last line. I do know the haiku form and beg your pardon for the miscount. I have tried your advise as well as fixed the count of syllables. I hope this reads as well to you as it does to me now.

Thanks

Autumn Phoenix

author comment

late to the party but really liked seeing the evolution of this Haiku................scribbler

and more concerned about giving it an emotional or idea dimension beyond the descriptive.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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