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Yup, Nope, Dunno!
.
Johnny doesn't speak of time
or the universe or God anymore
not in the metaphysical sense
he no longer requires a daily dose of boredom
and vaguery
sees a beautiful face
no words, just sees
a muscle car
a slight growl deep down in his throat
a pool table
a sly smirk
a smoke, a toke
a cold bottle of beer
elicit an honest "ahhhh"!
Johnny doesn't talk of love
nor loss, nor health, nor wealth
unless dismissive hard ass sarcasm
he no longer requires
2-cents worth of guesswork
from anyone anytime
labors at the mill in silence
"mornin", "yeah,boss", that's about it
visits his girl a couple nights a week
a few moans and groans
(you know!)
she's cool with this
works his life craft with diligence
a core stillness
no hemmin' 'n hawin'
and a profound private joy
Johnny doesn't live in words anymore
...but in a world
and almost happy
though he'd never say so
anymore
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
paper umbrella
Thu, 2011-03-31 01:23
i suggest putting the
i suggest putting the "anymore" to the third line and get rid of the comma, the flow is better that way, i would also drop the "anyway" and perhaps use a semicolon or just a comma to suggest a break in flow
great second stanza of showing/telling
your 4th stanza is kinda choppy...not sure, but the flow there is kinda off for me
the 5th stanza can be elaborated a little more i think
your final two stanzas are great, excellent way to end this. love the stream like/rough edge tone of this piece. the comma in some lines are a bit distracting, for example:
2-cents worth of guesswork
from anyone, anytime
it makes sense, and i think it's fine especially when i go back to your intro where you have the comma in the line, but at the same time, the majority of the breaks are line pauses...so it's kinda strange having both. it works after i read it a few time, but i suggest giving this enough edit to make the flow better :)
brittle light
Thu, 2011-03-31 03:02
hi
both of you (paper umbrella and ccfire) are going to be tough acts to follow. I just read your first post and have read some of cc's....wow! I like them a lot.
I have used your suggestions to some degree and appreciate your thoughts and obvious expertise
thanks
Al
author commentCCfire
Thu, 2011-03-31 02:00
I think I'd drop the anyway
I think I'd drop the anyway altogether, the piece works without it, love the 2nd stanza and the last part of this is really strong. What PU said is pretty spot on, the comma isn't necessary. It's a great piece of free verse that with editing, perhaps reading it out loud to see where the assonance is needed and the breaks, will be even greater.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
brittle light
Thu, 2011-03-31 03:08
hi
thanks for your comments and suggestions. I'll get right to them
you and paper umbrella are both scarey good!
.
until next time,
Al
author commentCCfire
Thu, 2011-03-31 04:01
hello
No Lilian and I are scarey nice lol it's why we are here, to meet and chat and be helpful if we can be. Nice to meet you.
Chez
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche