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"A Feeling of Dread"

This empty feeling comes and it goes,
its swift and its subtle as a vine of ivy that grows.

My emotions lay bare, naked and free,
with no attempts to hide them,
their transparent like me.

An open book for anyone to read,
my thoughts splayed wide open,
for the sadistic to feed.

My story no different from ones of the past,
sometimes its tragic and sometimes I laugh.

No different from anyone, when you cut me I bleed,
afraid of my feelings, I'm afraid of my need.

My need will grow painful, no matter how much I love,
my pain will grow deeper, its my curse from above.

When god sends an angel, it bites and it screams,
when a demon is sent, it kisses then leaves.

Sometimes alone with no hope ahead,
these are my feelings when I feel this feeling of dread.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

Very nice imagery fraught with raw feelings!

suggestions:

In this line "their transparent like me." I think it should be either they are, Or, they're.

These two lines are a little rough:

My need will grow painful, no matter how much I love,
my pain will grow deeper, its my curse from above.

perhaps to phrase them so that you don't have to rhyme with "Love"

Maybe: "No matter how painful the love I feel..." (and take the next line from there with "feel" as the word to be rhymed with instead of "love"

some rhyming suggestions are:

wheel
squeal
conceal
congeal
real or reel
deal
unreal

I hope I have helped.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I was actually about to toss this in the garbage when I decided to post it and see if it could be salvaged at all.I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do with it.Sorry that it took me so long to get back to you, things around here have been very busy as of late.Thanks again Cat, your always a big help:-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

KZ,

I like the theme, but feel it needs tightening up. I will PM the ideas and suggestions for you.

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

I like what you've done with it.I think you can turn anything into a song.Thanks again.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

KZ,

following on from our PM conversations, find below the re-write I undertook.

I would not normally post a re-write on somebody's work, but KZ has suggested that he would like my version out in the open, so here goes. My intention was to turn this into a tighter piece and create a lyric from it:

A Feeling Of Dread

This empty feeling comes and reluctantly goes
As subtle as a vine of poisoned ivy that grows

My emotions lay bare, naked and free,
Transparent, open to interpretation like me.

An open book for you to digest and read
Thoughts torn open for the sadistic to read

(chrous)
My story is no different from ones of the darkened past
So tragic, shameful and sad, that to stay sane, I laugh
No different from anybody else, when you cut me, I bleed
With the terror of my inner feelings, I'm afraid of what I need

My need grows painful, no matter how much I love
This pain will dive deeper, it's my curse from above

When God sends an angel, it bites and it screams
And when a demon is sent, it kisses then leaves

When I am all alone with no hope ahead,
I am left with this feeling of utter dread

(outro or bridge)
With my darkened past, so tragic I laugh
When I'm cut I bleed, afraid of what I need
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kind regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

I very much like what Dan has done with your poem. It's fresher but still maintains the essence of King Zombie!

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I think hes done a very good job with it, and I'm really glad he posted it.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

KZ,

I just noticed I have repeated a word in this stanza:

An open book for you to digest and read
Thoughts torn open for the sadistic to read

This needs sorting, I had thought about changing the last word of the second line to 'Feed'...what do you think?

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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