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Sitting in a pizza restaurant
a favorite one we often haunt
looking through the window pane
watching an orange sunset again

near buildings' shadows creep along
as we listen to a jukebox song
when the sun blinks out suddenly
unfiltered by any distant tree

All the cars on the highway
turn on their lights at end of day
becoming a rushing stream of light
disappearing out of sight

In near distance a tall high rise
tall finger pointed toward dim skies
lights itself in an uneven blaze
as its peak saffron clouds graze

A silver speck so far and high
revealed by last light in the sky
chased by a tattered white contrail
a race in which it's sure to fail

All the neon lights along the street
blur the edge where day and night meet
they hide the sky and all the stars
lighting the way for myriad cars

Bright full moon rises in the east
so we can still see it at least
now shadows are cast in all directions
'neath streetlights at the intersections

Here in the city night comes fast
dusk almost relegated the past
it flits like a bat in a flood light
as it quickly yields to night

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 


Stan to read this and give it my eagle eye here. Just trying not to sit here too long at the computer as my back is messed up

See you soon

computer chairs are rough on backs and knees. Come back when able.................stan

author comment

Sorry I haven't got long to comment! love the imagery, the feel of the city. Excellent rhyming.

Love Mand xxxxxx

thank you ...............stan

author comment

with tired hurting eyes I read this and like it alot
glaucoma acting up,

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

first time I've been told my writing actually hurts the eyes lol. Hope the glaucoma eases up............stan

author comment

The poem paints a good picture, in watercolours, not oils.

I can't help thinking about your forum on free verse and how much better this could be if you weren't constraining yourself to form and, well not mangling, but stretching the language for rhyme and meter.

The first verses are actually quite relaxed in structure and work well but see how your search for rhyme places un-natural stresses on words? Especially
chased by a tattered white contrail
from which far land might it hail

the line
we can still see it at least
feels a bit awkward to me, in itself

I enjoyed reading this, which is high praise for any poem, but I like my socks rocked off.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

already wrote a reply,where did it go? This is just a rough draft and I mean rough lol.Hope to improve it upon editing.( I hardly ever truly finish a poem).I have written in both free verse and rhyme of dawn in both the city and woods. I have written of dusk in both woods and city in rhyme. I will tackle dusk in the city in free verse in the future. When site technology allows I plan to write a parallel poem from the viewpoint of a tired commuter returning from a day's work to the suburbs and the viewpoint of a hunter returning from the woods to his home in the suburbs. One viewpoint will be in free verse, the other in rhyme. I like using form punctuation a lot when I write free verse and await the day when site goes back to allowing this also. Now that your eyes are worn out from this lengthy response, I'll thank you for dropping by lol..............scribbler

author comment

Thanks for dropping by and commenting on this work in progress................stan

author comment

"All" good suggestions and did not even realize I'd repeated tall so closely. I'll be back later to edit AGAIN lol............stan

author comment

The scene is so tranquill, yet it feels like the big city, Ilike that about the write.
Here it goes, Jess is right only because i read his comment and could see what he pointed out. I have to say that he is one of the most honest people I know when it comes to poetry. I always feel he gives sound advice, even though it times it sounds harsh. It's just I think he has little patience sometimes.
follow his advice the man knows what he is talking about. My poetry changed because of him, even though I fought it for a while.
Eddie C.


I always listen to all advice and sometimes even take it as I did some of his in this edit. Thank you for your advice and for coming by...........stan

author comment
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