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Scream

Scream

Jam, your head into the vice
You have to pay the price
I'll make the cut precise
Now scream

Spill, blood onto the floor
That scream I will ignore
Now where's the power saw
Now scream

(chorus)
Sucker punch
Punch the sucker
Fucking waster
Now waste the fucker

Die, this is your sacrifice
Now let me take a slice
Not once nor twice but thrice
Now scream

(bridge)
Sucker punch
My fist into a bunch
Knuckle crunch
I block, defend
And avoid your counter-punch
Now you can scream

Now, ready for the final encore
Covered in your bloodied gore
You're the bull, I'm the Matador
Now scream

© 2011 hoodedstranger.com

Following a conversation with my wife and also Jess (weirdelf), not at the same time!...I have re-written the final stanza. For reference, the deleted stanza is below:

Now, bleed you fuckin' whore
I'm covered in brains and gore
You're full of bull, I'm the matador
Now scream

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Thanks to Ziggy for the 'Knuckle Crunch' & to Cat for the pre-Neo critique - HS
Editing stage: 

Comments

This style is ofcourse your forte ..but in my opinion the title is softer than the brawn of this write....

raj (sublime_ocean)

Raj,

it seems the title is not sitting well with many. Any ideas?

Maybe:

Matador?
Sucker-Punch?
Scream...but that is probably as basic as 'Punch'

remember I only use one word titles.

Thanks for dropping by my friend,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Dan you are wilder in here then ever before. Who is this whore you talk of or sing of and my this one is a hard one to read. I have to agree with Raj little on the rough side but it is your piece of work. Sounds like you are reading to watch the chainsaw massacre?? lol

Love Mona

Mona,

this was just a simple piece based on a sucker-punch I received...the rest got distorted into a rather angry piece.

A bit on the rough side!...I fancied a change from depressing songs and went for a 'Scream!'

thanks for commenting,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Who did it and do I need to send my man over there lmao Hope you are well and be back soon friend. Been out of work ill now with back pain and neck pain. One day at a time they say

Love to you and the family Hood
Mona
porch is waiting

Dear Mona,

lol!...no you don't need send over your man, I am quite able to deal with this. Sounds like you need your man to get you better. Sorry you've not been well.

One day at a time indeed,

take care and be well.

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Punch can knock you out
this well written piece will take you out lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

BW,

a sucker-punch doesn't knock you out, but it certainly can knock you clean off your feet!

kind regards and thanks for reading and commenting,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

I sure will be seeing stars in my moment of sleep. lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

JayCee,

this is far from my best writing, but that is why I posted it...hoping to make it better. I can see it needs a stronger title, so I failed at the first hurdle!...LOL!

I do have a demo of this one...it isn't to be single but a rough, loud and angry b-side or album filler...or just an encore track for the fans to go mental with!

Thanks for commenting,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

as much as I love the visceral scream I'd like to hear a little bit of who and why here. Maybe not necessary, a primal attack is reason unto itself, but I when the target is female... eeek.

And that title, crikey man, it reminds me of that horrid mysogynist joke "what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?". "Nothing you haven't already told her twice."

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Jess,

yup, you're right, bad title...easily changed...any suggestions?

I used whore...but not in relation to a woman...the use of whore in this case can be just a name given to somebody who deserves a derogatory name...in this particular case...it doesn't matter who the victim is, male or female...victim is enough.

More about who and why...nah...this isn't a story...it's just nasty and deserves just loud syths and even louder bass with a raspy almost whispered vocal.

Thanks for dropping in,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

This is a "get to you" poem. I think and feel this poem. Nice work...

Pixee

Pixee,

nice work!...really, I didn't think nice would fall into this catergory! LOL!

"Get to you"...yup, you got it!

Thanks for comment my friend,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Dan, (way before my time too), the title made me think of *Punch and Judy*.... which as strange as it is, is appropriate.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punch_and_Judy

check out what's available on youtube... lots of wild and whacky stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1orgv9WKn4&feature=related

~A

Anna,

actually you're right 'Punch & Judy is a good indication of the song. I hadn't realised that until you mentioned it.

Great links by the way.

This is like a short scene from a P&J show...just maybe a little too harsh for the casual audience...but hopefully disturbing like P&J.

Whoa! freaky youtube clips!

Cheers Anna,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

(bridge)
Sucker punch
My fist into a bunch
Knuckle crunch
I block, defend
And avoid your counter-punch
Now you can scream

Now, bleed you fuckin' whore
I'm covered in brains and gore
You're full of bull, I'm the matador
Now scream

This is raw power, here. I can so relate to the feelings this piece evokes in me. Like Jayne, I can see hear and feel the music in a head-banger fashion. I wish I could express myself in such an inflamed fashion as you have done. Great job! I have no suggestions.

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Cat,

you had already critiqued this prior to posting, so I must thank you for the tweaks you suggested.

I have been listening to Motorhead recently, and used his lyric structure to create this one. I found the words suited a more metal style...although, it will end up as an electro/darkwave sounding song...but I wish I could play that bass guitar like he does...I could turn Systema into a full-on metal thrash band!!

Thanks Cat,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Shirl,

thanks for the comment. I never really think too hard about a title and this is the forst time that comments have suggested a title change...which I am more than happy to do.

I may go with 'sucker-punch'...because I can make that one word (remember I only do one word titles). I have a poem called scream already, but I guess I can use 'screams'.

I am gonna think on it and see what suggestions I get before making the change.

kind regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

and I really think you might want to rethink the use of the word whore in this context. The association is female and you surely don't want your work to be taken as violence directed against women.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Jess,

you have been reading my mind and also eavesdropping on a conversation with my wife earlier today. She also suggested an alternative word. Of course I complained that I would have to re-jig the rhyming words to fit with whatever word I changed it with.

So I have been playing with some alternatives, but my vocab is limited because I really wanted to keep in the 'Matador' line.

I have to agree, you are right...for once!!..Lol!

I'll keep playing with this until I find the solution,

thanks for dropping back in, although I was sure I locked the door when I saw you coming back up my path!

cheers mate,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Especially when and if Theo returns.

;-)

~A

Anna,

not sure I understand your comment...unless you think I would lock my door if and when Theo returns...I wouldn't lock my door...I'd move house!!

Lol!

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hugs you Hooded Stranger you!

~

i'm glad you re-thought the last stanza

i read this yesterday, and thought it was quite
powerful with its loud, in-your-face anger...
but just couldn't get past the 'whore' line
the use of the word whore in a piece with this
kind of violence, made me, as a female feel
uncomfortable
i didn't for one minute think you were condoning
violence against women ...still ...i found it hard
going to be completely objective in a review, so
chose not to review it

i could so easily imagine this with music
very punchy beat (pun sorta intended!)
it reads at a cracking pace that suits the
subject

i like the repetition of the
"now scream" ...gives added weight
to the title

cheers
p

P,

I hadn't really thought through the use of whore. It makes sense how it could have been a lyric about and condoning violence to women...so not what I was writing about.

Anyway, as you can see have I changed that stanza to remove any connection to a woman and violence against her.

It was just an angry piece, made up as I was playing around with a song structure that is often used by Lemmy of Motorhead.

I am not sure this piece is ready yet, so hopefully I will receive some suggestions...especially now I have shown it isn't about a woman.

Glad you liked the 'now scream' repetition...obvioulsy works well as a song. It will be recorded properly once I have edited the final version of the lyrics,

thanks for spending time to read and comment,

kindest regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

yes hood a heavy bass line needed for this one
I have gave you my thoughts on this piece before
i had not seen the problem with the deleted lines
before it was pointed out, am still not sure it needed
changing , I like these following lines as they set the
mood right from the outset

"Jam, your head into the vice
You have to pay the price
I'll make the cut precise
Now scream",,,,,,,,,,,always a treat to read your words ,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Zigs,

loud and then louder!

Yes you had given me comments and suggestions pre-Neopoet. Like you I hadn't seen a need to change the last stanza. But I hadn't considered the use of 'whore' to be considered female only. Anyway, it clearly has made an effect, so hence the change...which is ok, but not perfect...yet!

Cheers mate, now scream!

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Dan

I love this one especially the first verse and the chorus, no disrespect to your wife but I prefer the original final verse, but that is just personal preference, not a comment on the quality of the new verse.

I would take the second line out of the bridge, it some sounds wrong, I think it takes away a little of the impact.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou,

thanks for reading and commenting. The last verse was changed simply because it made the lyric sound like it was about a woman by using the term 'whore'...the song wasn't to be about violence towards a woman...but I changed it to prevent people getting the wrong idea.

I'll look at the bridge.

Thanks,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Sorry about that, Dan - the unfamiliarity of the site meant I put a comment on this poem which was appropriate to another one...

I see that you are not afraid to tackle strong themes, dark subjects.

I think I only have one point about the edited final stanza, and that is that 'bloodied gore' is actually tautological.

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

Dear Marie,

No apology needed, it takes time to traverse this place...and you are not alone in commenting in the wrong place, but it is funny because it meant you had to leave a comment!! Lol!

Strong and dark themes...I struggle to cover lighter subjects, although i do step into the light occasionally, although I still keep that hood and dark glasses on!

Bloodied gore...tautological...I thought i had got away with that...now I'll have to re-work that line...thanks for the headache!...only kidding...you are right.

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment
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