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New Orchard Contemplation

The air still cold
from frost's final death
mornings feel old
in winter's ending breath

clearing space and marking out
new places wide enough apart
for apple trees to stand about
and get a good resounding start

then will come the heavy lifting,
tearing up the grass with tiller
digging, shoveling and planting
until each tree stands as a pillar

and afterwards the careful pruning,
spacing, watering and waiting
slow years of watchful caring
for a future's harvesting,

But work and time are all forgotten
in bright hopes for future trees
thick with white and scented blossom,
and the busy drone of buzzing bees,

of branches bowed with gleaming rounds
and ripened fruit plucked in the fall
heaped high in wicker basket mounds
winter's hunger to forestall

and sitting quiet in the shade
juicy crispness tart on tongue,
green-gold apples piled like jade
as in Eden when the world was young.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Definitely a work in progress!
Editing stage: 

Comments

Great title and language usage. I like your poem of Spring's care, Summer's glory and Autumn abundance. With the shade of Winter not long off.

of branches bowed with gleaming rounds
and ripened fruit plucked in the fall
heaped high in wicker basket mounds
winter's hunger to forestall

Nice summing up, for a well rounded piece. I have no suggestions, only appreciation for the work.

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

glad you enjoyed it so much

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Yes it is repetative, and wasn't meant to be. Thanks, I'll change it!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I'm glad that you enjoyed my poem.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

From the fire the light
that never dies, from the ice
the thawing heart beats

Jim, glad to see your return... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk_sAHh9s08

Enigma ~ Return to Innocence

I was never away...just wearing a different hat.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I'm glad to know that Jim. I really am.

~A

Good write, Jim, but somewhat choppy in places. I've worked on one verse as my time is rather limited. May I suggest:

Time and labor are not lamented
in contemplation of senses appeased
by a vista of blossoms white and scented
and the harmonious droning of bees

Diana

Thanks for taking a look, and for your suggestions.

The verse in question is the most important one, for it takes the reader from the planning of the new orchard to contemplating it when mature and fruit-bearing, so I think that, for now, I'll leave it as is.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Now I just read that stanza over again, and I think it needed some editting, which I have done. I think it makes the intent a bit clearer.
Thanks again Diana.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Reminded me of Frost writing about worrying about the orchard through the winter. Got a few ideas you can think over :
L-3 change feeling to feel
L-12 try something like "till each sapling stands a skinny pillar
5th stanza could go something like :
The sweat and work forgotten soon
in anxious thoughts of healthy trees
with many a white scented bloom............I know it still isn't exact rhyme
filled with the lazy drone of bees

As always feel free to consider or not with no worry of hurt feelings..................stan

Thanks. I made the line 3 change. Going to leave 5th stanza alone though, for now.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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