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I miss it
I sit in the sun
The warm loving sun
And yet curse its radiant rays
I hear the quiet chatter of the birds
But cover my ears in dismay
The palm fronds sway in the breeze
Brushing the painted sky
Yet i would quickly trade it all
To sate a longing sigh
I miss the green, the gray the blue
The mist that covered the ground
The rain, the blessed pouring rain
That made such a calming sound
The mountains that climbed into the sky
On your every side surround
If only i could wander paths
That the rest the world forgot
Hear the sharp piercing cry
Of the beautiful soaring hawk
I miss the eagle, i miss the bear
The fresh printed tracks of a snowshoe hare
I close my yeses and I'm almost there--
But
I am here, that is there
And for now that is where i will stay
To serve my time inside the sun
And it's beautiful radiant rays
If you ask me how I'm doing
I'll say fine
Then wipe a tear
From mine eye
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is about where i used to live before i moved to where i am, and how much i, well, miss it.
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Wed, 2011-03-16 20:21
hello
As a former navy brat I can identify with missing a former home left behind. I really enjoyed this but have a few ideas you might consider :
L-15 on my every side surround 9 rest of poem is in first person )
L-17 try that the remaining world forgot
L-22 Do you mean "I close my eyes......"?
L-25 might change that to here
L-26 try changing inside to beneath
Just a few things you can consider..............scribbler
Rain-drop
Thu, 2011-03-17 18:47
thanks!!
Thank you so much for the feedback, it has really helped. I agree with needing to keep everything in the same tense, and the changing of a few of the words. And yes, i meant "i close my eyes..." not quite sure how i managed that one. =) and a big high-five to us military brats! my dad is coast guard, so i don't have to move as often as some, but still every 2-3 years.
Rain-drop
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