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EARLY SPRING ( first sonnet 5th try )

The southern wind decided it would bring
an early hint of fast approaching spring
although I fear that it might be false call
as winter cold has yet to give its all

Yet even so the fruit trees all still bloom
regardless of my sense of pending doom
and yellow bells display their early gold
could it be spring has really taken hold ?

So my my love I take a quiet walk
we often pause to look about and talk
surrounded by all the returning birds
now singing out their sweet seductive words

Arrive back home to learn that all is lost
the forecaster is calling for hard frost

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Finally got syllable count right. Hope it still reads OK
Editing stage: 

Comments

I was lead to believe it was 8 syllables. 10 would be better and i guess I better research a bit more. thanks for taking time to read and comment..............stan

author comment

You are correct. It should be 10 syllables. Will now edit title and remove blaming Jim lol. Will try another sonnet soon................scribbler

author comment

i have already seen daffodils here, but fully expect another killing frost. thanks for the visit and comment..........stan

author comment

I am lucky enough to not be affected too badly by pollen. I wrote this originally to be a sonnet then discovered the syllable count per line is 10 not 8. lmao. glad you dropped in...............stan

author comment

Soo refreshing and so true, Sometime spring can spring a suprise on us. Beautiful rhyming, imagery, and the title is perfect.

Love Mand xxxxxxx

A damn good sonnet man, especially if this is your first.
It doesn't have to be 10 sylabyles per line. A sonnet is a sonnet; it's more important, imo, to have the total lines, and rhyme scheme correct, than the sylabyles.
Shakespearian Sonnets recquire 10, others kinds are different!
Excellent poem, Stan.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I read this slowly and carefully. I thought it was a wonderful read. If we had stars you would over shoot the stars. I would give you a 6. Thanks for the poem. Read you later.

Friends,

Pixee

A very good poem. I really liked:

Yet even so the trees still bloom
regardless of my sense of doom
and yellow bells display their gold
has springtime really taken hold ?

Here on this March 16th I am very hopeful that Spring has indeed taken a hold and winter is no more. Where I am, in Wisconsin USA, the temperature for the weekend has been predicted for the 50's! I am so sick of winter. We have had a really bad one with tons of snow. Did I tell you happy birthday? My short term memory is crap since my illness, but it is improving. So happy belated birthday.

love, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

thank you, I thought you lived in Scandinavia, and yes you did. Yes I've been reading of all the snow ya'll have been getting. Hope it doesn't result in spring flooding....................stan

author comment

I thought this was a very fine descrption of the onset of spring...with the occassional false hope it brings.

I liked your description, paticularly the lines:
"and yellow bells display their early gold
could it be spring has really taken hold ?"

The only line that tripped me up a bit was:
"now all singing out their seductive words". I felt the word "Words" to be an unusual use, and bit of a stretch, to rhyme with "birds"

All in all, though, I thought this wasa pretty good piece of work.

Thank you also for adding to my knowledge of formal poetry, particularly about the 10 syllable count requirement in sonnets (see P.S. below).

Cheers

Psyve

P.S. Does that mean "Count Von Dracula of Transylvania" is a perfect 10 syllable Count candidate for a sonnet?

yes it is lol. When I 1st posted this I thought typical syllable count was 8. I think flow was better in original and realize this needs more work. thanks for coming by...............scribbler

author comment

syllable count is fine, and i find no problem
with the rhyme

however, to my ear, the iambs are a wee
bit off in a couple of places
i'm no expert on sonnets by a long stretch
(so check what info i offer) but it seems that
some syllable stresses could be tweaked
for a smoother flow

iambic pentameter is the meter shakespeare
nearly always used when writing his verses

iambs are pairs of syllables which can be short and long,
or unstressed and stressed, and an iamb follows a “da-DUM” pattern,
with the first syllable being short or unstressed
and the second syllable being long or stressed. in
iambic pentameter, there are five iambs in each line,
creating a “da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM” sound
which is very regular and rhythmic.

i'm unsure of the iambs in these lines

however I fear that it's a false call ~
So my love and I take a quiet walk ~
surrounded by all the returning birds ~
the forecast is calling for a hard frost

to me, they seem to miss the melodic
rhythm prevalent in a shakesperean sonnet

check for yourself though mr s ...as i said
i don't know a great deal about sonnets

i think they are very hard to write well, and if
this is your first ever sonnet, i think you
have done exceptionally well

it's such a lovely subject for a sonnet too

well done

cheers
p

You need hardly have turned flips over this(avatar)lol. thanks for the info and even though this is my 1st sonnet,I'm not satisfied with it either. "watch this space" as the bill boards say. It Will be improved...........scribbler

author comment

Can't resist looking into this as being titled as a first sonnet. The theme is sth close to your heart so you excel as usual.
However, I wish you'd keep this and give it a fresh look after the coming workshop. It's not a matter of 10 syllables only, you need to follow the du DUM /du DUM/ pattern all through with five of them in each line ( iambic pentameter)
It also misses a good volta.
This doesn't tell it's not a good poem though.
Enjoyable as usual.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I posted this hoping you and wes might read it so you'd know where I'm at in my skill level at writing sonnets. I've only ever written 2 and the other one isn't much better than this one so you can see ya'll have your work cut out for you lol. Heck i don't even know what a volta is unless it's an Italian trying to say volt. As to keeping this, I'm like a pack rat, I never get rid of anything except my hair lmao......stan

author comment

You will be able to grade it yourself after the workshop is finished
The Volta is Simply a turning point, coming after the first two stanzas.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

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