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Deceit

Don't tread on my toes
my corns are now dead skin
beaten by your scorning

They now keep
the vivid touch of your toes
seducing my skin

Thorns prick me no more
than those roses
you borrowed for a night

While I tread on my corns
pain is now pleasure
like a maniac

You robbed my faith
when you stole
my pair of dancing shoes...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

you found this hilarious?...shows i am no good at writing dark stuff...LOL...

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

dark or bright ..i am glad you enjoyed it Xena....:)

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Corny huh?...read what i said to Xena...lol..but i will take up your suggestion and tweak the last stanza a wee bit..

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I read this one and it is different and I like the metaphors.

You wrote this in your ending

when you stole
my pair of dancing shoes...

Seems I have read similiar shoe poems and will possible do one myself in here. I also see the word deceit one I had misspelled just recently:) but one I know is a word of great discordance. A deceitful person it may be about here in your write perhaps.

Wherever we go in life and whatever we do there is always room for improvement in some areas of our misgivings or deceits towards any one thing or person for that matter.

I have to catch up to the writes in here and thank you for askin about dad. He is tired and he wants to sleep he tells me as he feels his end is near. All I can do for him is tell him it is not his time right now and to look to a brighter day. It has been the hardest thing to do to see someone I love as one of my parents lays in bed all day and has lost his umph. I pray it comes back and I make him as comfortable and feed him well.
After all our parents are who made or broke us and now it is time to give back to them in their golden years. It was nice of you to remember this about my father. Thank you

Thjs is good lines here:

Thorns prick me no more
than those roses
you borrowed for a night

Makes one to think dosen't it.

Blessings ocean and I will read more as time allows

Mona Magics

thank you for the time you spared for reading this one....you are right about parents but for whom we would not be here...my best wishes for your dear father to recoup his health and nask in the warmth of your affection and care...

much love....wishing you the best of cheers and smiles...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I've missed your ways
so missed your words
your writes always left me
atop a beautiful hillside
and now that I read you again
just wanted to tell you
Your're a treasure, a friend

Blessings to you
xoxoxo

you were missed too while you were away ..not just by me but i am sure by many who know about your gentle ways...you will always be a treasured friend....

wishing you smiles...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Look forward to reading you once again and sharing insights..

you are most welcome to share your insights and criticism which i know would always be very honest and sincere...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

i will keep your suggestions in mind Shirl...in my quest to learn all suggestions are most welcome...keep them coming and i would appreciate even hard criticism...

much love always..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

You robbed my faith
when you stole
my pair of dancing shoes...

I liked this ending verse very much!

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

thank you for the time to read this one and for your appreciative words...

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I felt the dread frisson of loss. I think you write dark very well. You know that blog I posted "How to critique"? (actually, judging by your comments to others, I don't think you have read it) I think I might need to post another one "How to Read". Oh! But you specifically asked for that in the newsletter forum, eh! Yes. Needs to be done.

People get so used to exclaiming "wonderful", "brilliant", "delightful" they forget to actually read the poem and ingest its full emotional impact.

A very effective write, cleverly using counterpoint to highlight the content. Technically word perfect to me, can't suggest any improvements.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

thank you for your appreciative words..means a lot especially when the essence of the poem is perceived and appreciated by the accomplished writers like you...it is like the joy earning grades and more importantly to know that i am improving on my learning curve...

warm regards and thanks again..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

and you are welcome.
But may I suggest that the "learning curve" is made quicker if you give genuine critical feedback to other poets, not just praise. I know it's not easy, but trust me on this, apart from reading great poets nothing else will help you improve your own work so much.
My blog
"How to Critique"
http://new.neopoet.com/node/2466
and especially the thoughtful comments others have added to it may help

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

pardon me Jess for mispelling your name..perhaps i was overawed by your comment...i appreciate your suggestions about critiquing the writes of others ...but i believe that for being a good critique i must first accomplish enough as an amateur...

yes..i agree that it would help me immensely by reading the wroks of great poets which is why i made the suggestions i did in my blog about someone commenting on the poems of acclained poets in the monthly newsletters...for better understanding of such poems by amateurs like me...

thanks for your suggestions Jess

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

you don't have to be an expert to give critique.
So many people use that as an excuse. Yes, it is difficult. There is the fear of mis-reading or giving offence, but if you can write poetry you can critique it.

All the great poetry movements in history have begun with a bunch of beginners giving each other hell, often coming to blows! That is why Neopoet is so unique and offers such an incredible advantage.

Imagine Shakespeare, Coleridge, Ginsberg, Bukowski and Basho all together in a wine bar when they are just beginning! That is the potential we have here!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Jess...you have given me food for thought..as for your blog on :"how to Critique"/..i had already read and commented on it something like its a very good lesson about critiquing....for the very reason you have mentioned I find Neopoet a wonderful place to be in ...your comparison to the situation of Shakespeare ..Coleridge et al at a wine bar during their infancy as poets certainly brought on a smile for me and also understanding your intent....

thanks again ...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

you have inspired me to a new blog "Not qualified to critique"
http://new.neopoet.com/node/2931

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

yes Jess..i saw that one and have already responded to it with my comment / commitment...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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