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I am no more or no less
I am no more or no less
I am no more or no less
Than the laughter made from a smile between friends
I am no more or no less
Than my history, if my memories will not let me forget
As I become more I hope, I can become less subtracting form the memories of regret
I remember that each smile had no purpose beyond the purity of a friend ship
In this purity, I find the reminiscence that I am more than memories in any heart regrets
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
press
Thu, 2011-03-10 21:48
i am glad to be back writing
i am glad to be back writing
author commentRoscoe Lane
Fri, 2011-03-11 06:00
I'm glad,
I'm glad your writing on Neopoet, where there are some great poets.Your writing when i read it, feels as if it's shouting at me. Is this intentional, or would you be open to suggestions on how to soften it. I have read all your poems and i feel they could use this. Anyway welcome, and if needed i will help if and when i can. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Kailashana2
Fri, 2011-03-11 06:55
Welcome, you have good stuff
Welcome, you have good stuff here...my suggestion to all poets is to become minimalists, just as an example of the first lines in the first stanza ( this btw, is a wonderful senryu though not in the standard 5-7-5):
I am no more, no less than
laughter
made from a smile between friends
~A
scribbler
Fri, 2011-03-11 07:44
helo
welcome. This is the 1st poem of yours I've read. I enjoyed it but believe it might be improved by breaking the last 3 lines in two. Just my opinion and looking forward to more of your poetry................scribbler
magics02
Sun, 2011-03-13 00:12
Hello Press
I enjoyed this write and I wanted to break it down as free form for you and let me know what you think of it in this format
I am no more
Or no less
than the laughter
made from a smile
Between friends
I am no more
Or no less
than my history
If my memories
will not let me forget
As I become more, I hope
I can become less distracted
From the memories of regret
I remember that each smile
Has no purpose beyond
The purity of a friendship
In this purity
I find the reminiscence
That I am more
than memories
In any heart regrets
I am just working on the flow in this one a bit and I am still stuck on this line in here.
As I become more, I hope ( I am taking it as this - As I become more then less??)
Let me know if this reads any better or you like what I have suggested.. It is your write by all means and I as your reader felt the write needed a bit of polish in format perhaps.
Regards
Mona