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Thresholds (a sonnet)

From every door found ajar in darkness
Escapes a slivered gleam of narrow light,
Beckoning from within blind ignorance
With promises to shine away the night.

For each wall encountered is the limit
Forcing bitter ends of antique knowledge
Into dark bruisings of futile spirit
That become warped chains of cruel bondage.

So search frantically and without ceasing
Until a tiny slice of light's release
Reveals a new doorway that is spanning
The gulf between rank ignorance and peace,

For when we pass through those doors in blindness
futures are unchained, and life made boundless.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
experimenting again! BE CRUEL LOL Thanks for the title, Cat!
Editing stage: 

Comments

I read your experiment and I re-read this again. I captured the image through the narrow gleam of light through the door. I like that. I also like how you wrap it up in your ending. Now I am no prolific sonnet writer so bare with me on this one:)

This one line threw me off and I tried to still see if it would fit with the door and the rest of your great metaphors but somehow I am stuck. Here is the line:

The gulf between rank ignorance and peace,

I thought of gulf being the Gulf of Mexico and perhaps I need to go online and see if it is like an inlet. You please tell me so I can get that part in my head or out of it:)

oops - one more thing in the first line

From every door found ajar in darkness,

How about this sounding - From every door found ajar in (the) darkness

Is the internal logic consistent? The answer for me is yes when I can decipher about the gulf.

You let me know so I can once again read it with a clearer vision in my head. I gather this is one that is deep in thought and shines forth of unendless possibilities.

Await your final answer:)

Mona

I can't add the "the", for every line must be ten syllables!
"Gulf" in this context means a wide separation between rank ignorance and peace.

This is about ignorance, the barriers and limits ignorance places on us, and how going through doorways of learning dispels all three.

Thanks Mona

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

For telling me about the syllable count in the sonnet and I see now just what the picture says here in your write. I so appreciate your added comment and I kind of thought that was what it was that I was a thinking 'bout:)

Came to mind just now. Tear down that wall. And walk through those doors. Great sonnet with a rose petal on it:) lol

Nice job Race.

Blessings

Mona

Thank you very much, I am glad that you enjoy this one.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Yeah, it was written with hope in mind.
My secret for writing poetry?
Neopoet.
heehee.
Thank you for your knd words Jayne, and for the nomination: I was going to nominate you, but then I remembered what you said about that.

My love to you and Snake, please tell him both of you are in my prayers.

<Hugs>

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

According to all the dictionaries I can find on the web, "every" is two syllables - "eve'ry", so I think I'll leave that one.
"Antique"...oh yeah, that is MUCH better than what I have, no doubt about it! I wracked my brains for a while to come up with something for that line, but "antique" never occured to me, so thanks Bee, most greatly appreciated, it is added.

My thanks for your critique. Rhyming verse is not my strong point, but recent comments about it's merits have pointed my interest in its direction, so I think I'll try some others.
Thanks again Bee, and thanks for enjoying.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

So many fear the unknown when often exploring the unknown is the path to betterment. Also it's good to know the rules for a sonnet. Are ther also rules concerning rhyme within one? Sonnet or Easter bonnet it was enjoyed, but the title could be improved I think................stan

Yeah, I never was any good at title, and "untitled" isn't something I put on any poem. I'll give it some thought.
The one is shakespearean. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonnet.
Glad that you enjoyed it!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

reading through this lovely poem is an enlightening experience...due to the philosophical message so wonderfully scripted in this sonnet...it is like showing light at the end of the tunnel....marvellous!!

Thank You!!

warmly ..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Forgive me for missing your comment. Thank you for your kind words. It was in my mind to somehow get that image of light in the darkness, so I'm glad you saw somethng like that!
Thanks again.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Thanks Rosina, sorry I missed your comment!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I've never written a sonnet before, so I'm unsure of the guidelines. What I am sure of, is that I liked what I was reading.The imagery is superb. I most liked:

So search frantically and without ceasing
Until a tiny slice of light's release
Reveals a new doorway that is spanning
The gulf between rank ignorance and peace,

For when we pass through those doors in blindness
futures are unchained, and life made boundless.

very hopeful! How about; "doorways" or "thresholds" for a title?

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

There are many different kinds of Sonnet, not all of which I am familiar with.
This one is a shakespearean sonnet. It must have 14 lines, each ten syllables long. The first 12 lines must have a rhyming scheme of

a-b-a-b

c-d-c-d

e-f-e-f

Then the last 2 lines must be a rhyming couplet.
Thresholds....yeah, that might be a good title, I'll give it some thought.

Thank you for your enjoyment Cat, I am glad that you lliked this!

I don't do very many: rhyming is hard! lol

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

your rhyme in the heroic couplet squeezes
in by a bee's dick (as we so quaintly say here)
it's really only the 'ess' sound that gives it any
credence as rhyme ...is that being picky?

i know only the bare bones about sonnets, and then,
only shakespearean, as you have written here.
from where i sit, you've nailed the syllable count and rhyme
scheme

the only hic-up for me, is the third line in the second stanza
it could be the way i'm reading it, it could be differing intonations
because of nationality, but i found the meter didn't flow ...the "da dums"
(as someone once said to me) sound a bit abrupt or something
the syllable count is correct of course, but still, i find it jars when
i read it
i've read it to myself, i've read it out loud ...i always seem to stumble
at that point ...to me,that one line throws the stanza out of kilter

as i said though, it could be the way i'm reading it
i am far, far from knowing a great deal about sonnets

apart from that hic-up, kudos to you for nailing
a form that i personally, think is a hard one to nail

as a freeverse writer, i was once challenged to write
a sonnet by a friend who writes almost exclusively
in form

by the time i'd finished it, i was ready to petition websters
to remove "iambic pentameter' from their dictionary,
and was sorely tempted to pull my own entrails out

cheers
p

LOL I think the rhyming couplet is OK, although I see what you mean.
line 3 stanza 2...yes, the words seem too abrupt, too cut off, I see what you mean. I have changed the word "bruises" to "bruisings", but I think that its the aliteration that is really the problem. Perhaps replace "blunt" with something else, like "dark"?
what do you think?

Ah God, that last part of your comment had my sides hurting, P!

Thanks for the critique, as always.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

your changes to that line have made
a definite improvement ...i find the abruptness
has gone, and it reads smoother

don't really have any other crit to offer ...nothing
i can see that i think needs changing

cheers
p

Yes, I think it really was the aliteration that was causing the problem.
Thanks for your help, P.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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