Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

"Tortured"

Crimson puddles in a gash,
in my mouth, no words, only ash.
Small explosions behind my eye,
growing in size, within every lie
.
Scratching at my arms and legs,
with each new wound, silence begs.
I won’t listen, won’t pay attention,
daydreaming, my internal confession
.
Clouding skies outside I don’t see,
locked away inside, I hold no key.
My sickness, my disease, my depression,
only grows deeper upon further reflection.

My blood boils, and with it rage spoils,
like a reptile twisted in its own coils.
Tortured, I received no warning,
somewhere between chaos,
and the light of mourning.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
This is a concept that I am working on.I'm curious if what I'm trying to get across is clear or not?
Editing stage: 

Comments

You do get your concept and it is clear. I have to come back if you like and do my suggest to this one. I see you ask for constructive criticism and that is what I try to give.
Check on your punctuation first ( I will let you do that:) and there are two words in here that may be incorrect perhaps

reflection - instead of reflexion?
morning - or mourning as in sorrow?

Always check for syllable count also. Good theme and would like to enter again.

Let me know

Regards
Mona

I didn't catch reflection, and thank you for that, lol.With "mourning" it was intended.I would love any help with smoothing it out.I actually really suck with punctuations.I will look over it again, Thank you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

Here is correction to apostrophes

Crimson puddles in a gash,
in my mouth, no words, only ash.
Small explosions behind my eye,
growing in size, within every lie
.
Scratching at my arms and legs,
with each new wound, silent begs.
I won’t listen, won’t pay attention,
daydreaming, my internal confession
.
Clouding skies outside I don’t see,
locked away inside, I hold no key.
My sickness, my disease, my depression,
only grows deeper upon further reflection.

My blood boils, and with it my rage spoils,
as if I'm a reptile, lost in my own coils.
Tortured, I received no warning,
somewhere between chaos,
and the light of mourning.

Okay and here is my other thoughts

This part here maybe you can work it out. It does not do much for me but you may have a better way of saying it

Small explosions behind my eye,
growing in size, within every lie

The ending about the light of mourning... is it more dark of mourning? As I am not too familiar with your work just yet these are just a few things I gave it my thought. By all means you are the writer. Write so you get that point across and rework it as you wish until you and the reader gets the message or thought within it and you are exhausted within it.

Just my own opinion.

Let me know if you will

Regards

Monoa

The punctuations are really close to what I had originally but Ive been playing with this post far too much today, lol.I actually just changed morning to mourning today, but I think it best conveys what I'm trying to say in this instance.My concept here is at the very moment when we lose a loved one and the regret and emotion one goes through before acceptance, hence the "light of mourning".Which "mourning" itself is the first step to moving on, or that was the thought at least, lol

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

And I thank you for that explanation. Your reader will know more about the write and it is also good to put a little synopsis in the remark box at the end. It tells and helps your reader with just some background about your write.

I am pleased and happy you polished it up and that is what this is all about. Give and take from writer to reader. Great.

Clarity is recieved here and good job working it out King,

I thought about adding the explanation in the box when I made the change, but I wanted to see how it came across first, lol.I tend to experiment quite a bit (for better of worse)lol.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

Your help is most welcome as always.I'm glad you liked this and thank you:-)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

I very much relate to this piece. Especially the lines:

Scratching at my arms and legs,
with each new wound, silence begs.
I won’t listen, won’t pay attention,
daydreaming, my internal confession

For the most part I've stopped listening to the itchy compulsions.

&

My blood boils, and with it rage spoils,
like a reptile twisted in its own coils.
Tortured, I received no warning,
somewhere between chaos,
and the light of mourning.

I know these feelings intimately. A damned good write. I have no suggestions.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I thought you would like this one, I'm just sorry that you know these feelings first hand.Thanks for reading:-)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

You like the same lines as me, those lines I believe are the only ones untouched also.Thanks Shirl, glad you liked it:-)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.