Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
"Tortured"
Crimson puddles in a gash,
in my mouth, no words, only ash.
Small explosions behind my eye,
growing in size, within every lie
.
Scratching at my arms and legs,
with each new wound, silence begs.
I won’t listen, won’t pay attention,
daydreaming, my internal confession
.
Clouding skies outside I don’t see,
locked away inside, I hold no key.
My sickness, my disease, my depression,
only grows deeper upon further reflection.
My blood boils, and with it rage spoils,
like a reptile twisted in its own coils.
Tortured, I received no warning,
somewhere between chaos,
and the light of mourning.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words:
This is a concept that I am working on.I'm curious if what I'm trying to get across is clear or not?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Region & Country
Maryland
Favorite Poets
I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also, for I find it to be of great inspiration.These are lyrics to a song by Monster Magnet called Ozium, it never fails to put me in the writing mood and thought I would share it, lol., " I'm up to my brain in the mire of an ancient swamp, Pteranadon smiles at me and flies up to god, Baby let me drink deep from your globes of reality, Writhe your naked ass to the mindless groove, baby give your tongue a taste and follow me up to my room, the bullgod has your head, and baby thats just fine, now it is time, we became the mighty cell, wrap those hungry jacks? to the mindless groove, they say we've got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, baby, the faster you gyrate the faster we'll be there, arms up overhead, a goddess in the ancient song, work that mighty world to the mindless groove, they say weve got a life time but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, they say weve got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied I will not be denied"
Comments
magics02
Thu, 2011-03-10 11:04
King
You do get your concept and it is clear. I have to come back if you like and do my suggest to this one. I see you ask for constructive criticism and that is what I try to give.
Check on your punctuation first ( I will let you do that:) and there are two words in here that may be incorrect perhaps
reflection - instead of reflexion?
morning - or mourning as in sorrow?
Always check for syllable count also. Good theme and would like to enter again.
Let me know
Regards
Mona
KINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-03-10 11:21
Thank you
I didn't catch reflection, and thank you for that, lol.With "mourning" it was intended.I would love any help with smoothing it out.I actually really suck with punctuations.I will look over it again, Thank you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentmagics02
Thu, 2011-03-10 11:27
King
Here is correction to apostrophes
Crimson puddles in a gash,
in my mouth, no words, only ash.
Small explosions behind my eye,
growing in size, within every lie
.
Scratching at my arms and legs,
with each new wound, silent begs.
I won’t listen, won’t pay attention,
daydreaming, my internal confession
.
Clouding skies outside I don’t see,
locked away inside, I hold no key.
My sickness, my disease, my depression,
only grows deeper upon further reflection.
My blood boils, and with it my rage spoils,
as if I'm a reptile, lost in my own coils.
Tortured, I received no warning,
somewhere between chaos,
and the light of mourning.
Okay and here is my other thoughts
This part here maybe you can work it out. It does not do much for me but you may have a better way of saying it
Small explosions behind my eye,
growing in size, within every lie
The ending about the light of mourning... is it more dark of mourning? As I am not too familiar with your work just yet these are just a few things I gave it my thought. By all means you are the writer. Write so you get that point across and rework it as you wish until you and the reader gets the message or thought within it and you are exhausted within it.
Just my own opinion.
Let me know if you will
Regards
Monoa
KINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-03-10 11:39
Thank you
The punctuations are really close to what I had originally but Ive been playing with this post far too much today, lol.I actually just changed morning to mourning today, but I think it best conveys what I'm trying to say in this instance.My concept here is at the very moment when we lose a loved one and the regret and emotion one goes through before acceptance, hence the "light of mourning".Which "mourning" itself is the first step to moving on, or that was the thought at least, lol
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentmagics02
Thu, 2011-03-10 11:45
Yes
And I thank you for that explanation. Your reader will know more about the write and it is also good to put a little synopsis in the remark box at the end. It tells and helps your reader with just some background about your write.
I am pleased and happy you polished it up and that is what this is all about. Give and take from writer to reader. Great.
Clarity is recieved here and good job working it out King,
KINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-03-10 11:51
I thought about ...
I thought about adding the explanation in the box when I made the change, but I wanted to see how it came across first, lol.I tend to experiment quite a bit (for better of worse)lol.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-03-10 12:08
Thank you very much Rosi
Your help is most welcome as always.I'm glad you liked this and thank you:-)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-11 11:24
Dear KZ,
I very much relate to this piece. Especially the lines:
Scratching at my arms and legs,
with each new wound, silence begs.
I won’t listen, won’t pay attention,
daydreaming, my internal confession
For the most part I've stopped listening to the itchy compulsions.
&
My blood boils, and with it rage spoils,
like a reptile twisted in its own coils.
Tortured, I received no warning,
somewhere between chaos,
and the light of mourning.
I know these feelings intimately. A damned good write. I have no suggestions.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
KINGZOMBIE
Sat, 2011-03-12 08:21
Thanks Cat
I thought you would like this one, I'm just sorry that you know these feelings first hand.Thanks for reading:-)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKINGZOMBIE
Sat, 2011-03-12 08:23
Thanks Shirl:-)
You like the same lines as me, those lines I believe are the only ones untouched also.Thanks Shirl, glad you liked it:-)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author comment