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Emotional Rescue...

The flames of justice burn in his heart, and heat his fevered brow
Killer's senses are tuned to the max, he ain't giving up now
He will find the perpetrator, the cops can't bring to bay
The nasty freak, the pervert, that struck just yesterday

The little girl that didn't know, not to go with the smiling man
When he said; "Hey come find my dog, we can look from in my van"
Terrible things were done to her, her body tortured and broken
Things that shouldn't happen, that were better left unspoken

Killer followed the rusted van, as it slowed down by the school
The Black's nose twitched, he growled low, he had the scent of the fool
Lost! He lost the van, while stopped at the traffic light
He damned himself; for letting, the van get out of sight

Just when he had dispaired, The Black let loose a bark
There it was, the rusted van, just leaving from the park
It was moving faster now, with purpose, so it seemed
The motor revved up louder, through the traffic it careened

Instinct told the Black and Killer, they were on the track
They followed from a distance, in case the man looked back
Parked in the wood, almost hidden, from the public view
This was the guy, they had him, don't ask just how they knew

Killer heard the voice of a child, "Don't hurt me, mister please."
The crying sound was awful, it gave his heart a squeeze
Moving faster than he ever had, Killer yanked upon the door
He could see the little child, bound and lying on the floor

The black was first to grab him, by parts that were exposed
Screams burst forth from his throat, and Killer broke his nose
As the man writhed in agony, Killer let loose the child
He said; "Run; run fast little darlin', this is gonna get wild"

SUSPECTED PERVERT IS FOUND DEAD
The mutilated corpse is discovered
His body is bathed in blood-red
No clues have been recovered

Killer doesn't know, why he did the thing he did
He just knows he had to save, that innocent little kid
Emotions are the thing, that made him take a part
Can it be, that justice, has thawed his frozen heart?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
For those who don't know: The Black, is the dog Killer rescued in the poem; "Two's Company".
Editing stage: 

Comments

For those that don't know, The Black is the dog that Killer rescued in "Two's Company"

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author comment

Gotta get to work now.Will return when time permits a better chance to read.............stan

Not what i was expecting, lol.I liked it, I don't know why this isn't being read or commented on.I am glad you explained Black was the dog, I was a bit confused about that, lol.I was thinking Black was a alter ego or a split personality.I look forward to reading the others now, Thanks for sharing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

Okay friend I took a read and I would like to give this more attention so I shall be back today. It is a story we know all too well. Perversion and little children. Ouch tough one here but I promise to give it a shot. From first reading it is a story poem and one with alot of image and emotions. I will be back

Love
Mona

I have got to agree with magic, the images while reading are frightning. And my emotions were going through summersaults. This is me just coming back to it after a day so, I will let magic have her say first but promise to come back. Its a great poem, but its hard to deal with emotionally. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

the emotional impact that this has, and this is what I thought might be keeping people from commenting and making suggestions. It is a really difficult subject to deal with. I do hope that you will come back, and make a comment or two, and maybe even a sugeestion. Thanks for letting me know that you read it! ~ Gee

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author comment

I worked and read over this twice and I made some suggestions. I made some punctuations changed up and tried to polish it a bit for you. I threw out some suggestions in parenthesis and by all means it is your write so they are just some suggestions.

The story is a good one (not the subject matter) and I see how Killer and Black (the dog) went after this pervert and caught him, so the story ends very well. I had to take my own emotional feeling out of it for it is fiction nontheless in real life this does happen. So I read it as fiction of course and made some corrections to it.

One more thing: I do not try to rewrite anyones work, as I like it when a writer can find and see his or her own errors and throw out some of my suggestions. By all means I am not offended should you choose not to use any of them. It is all up to the writer to gain profiency in his or her own writing, and I like to point out some things not to say you have to go with them. Let me know what your thinking is also.

The flames of justice burn in his heart, and heat his fevered brow
Killer's senses are tuned to the max, he isn’t giving up now
He will find the perpetrator, the cops can't bring to bay
The nasty freak, the pervert, that struck just yesterday

The little girl that didn't know, not to go with the smiling man
When he said; "Hey come find my dog, we can look for in my van"
Terrible things were done to her, her body tortured and broken
Things that shouldn't happen, that were better left unspoken (this line I am not so sure of)

Killer followed the rusted van, as it slowed down by the school
The Black's nose twitched; he growled low, he had the scent of the fool (growled low and had the scent of the fool)
Lost! He lost the van, while stopped at the traffic light
He damned himself for letting his van get out of sight

Just when he had despaired, The Black let loose a bark
There it was, his rusted van, just leaving from the park
It was moving faster now, with purpose, so it seemed
The motor revved up louder, through the traffic it careened ( with the traffic it careened)

Instinct told the Black and Killer, they were on the track
they followed from a distance, in case the man looked back ( following from a distance in case Killer looked back)
Parked in the wood, almost hidden, from the public view
this was the guy, they had him, don't ask just how they knew

Killer heard the voice of a child, "Don't hurt me, mister please."
The crying sound was awful, it gave his heart a squeeze
moving faster than he ever had, Killer yanked upon the door
He could see the little child, bound and lying on the floor

The black was first to grab him, by parts that were exposed (the Black – as you have it in the rest of the story)
Screams burst forth from his throat, and Killer broke his nose
as the man writhed in agony, Killer let loose the child (Killer let loose the bounded child)
He said, "Run, run fast little darling, this is going to get wild" (for it’s about to get wild) or (things are about to get ...

It is hard to show the whole thing so you may want to open this up in another program to see it thoroughly. My suggest are in parentheses and my little corrections to punctuation somewhere in between.

I am going to find a better way to show corrections or suggestions here) if we only had a red or blue font to show what it is we suggested, that would be nice) or a hash mark of some sort.

Okay I am off now and look forward to hearing what you think and by all means be honest. It is what helps both reviewer and writer to see where each one is coming from. IMO:)

Ciao bello
Mona

suggestions by Mona.
I agree that the word [isn't] reads a little better.
The line: He damned himself, for letting [the] van get out of sight, doesn't leave any doubt about who the van belonged to, and changing it to [his] leaves open the door to wondering who's van.
I think that the line: we can look from in my van, could be changed to: we can look [for it] from in my van.
The van careened [through] the traffic, not with it. To careen, [lurch from side to side], [with] the traffic] suggests that the rest of the traffic was behaving in a wild manner, not just the van. [Killer] is following the van, therefore he wouldn't be looking back.
"Killer" said " This is going to get wild", with certainty, and I think that this shows it better, than [it's about to get wild, or things are about to get wild". I appreciate your comments and suggestions, ~ Gee

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keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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author comment

I really like this one, although it is different. It shows that Killer does have some humanity. My favorite lines are:

The black was first to grab him, by parts that were exposed
Screams burst forth from his throat, and Killer broke his nose
As the man writhed in agony, Killer let loose the child
He said; "Run; run fast little darlin', this is gonna get wild"

and:

Killer doesn't know, why he did the thing he did
He just knows he had to save, that innocent little kid
Emotions are the thing, that made him take a part
Can it be, that justice, has thawed his frozen heart?

I wrote one similar in the vein that eddy styx came to the rescue of a cat that was about to be tortured by a sicko. But it isn't nearly as well written and poetic as this. I'll try to find it and post it this weekend. By the way, nice rhyming!

love, Cat (& eddy)

p.s.

Please don't delete this piece as I think it is one of your best ever!

Honest!!!

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

regaining his humanity, and it's largely through the efforts of "Sir Gee". Killer has limited his killing to those he thinks are deserving of it. And I guess that makes him a vigilante. While we normally don't [at least in so-called polite society] like vigilantism, I think we all carry the wish in our hearts, to be like Killer. To be able to do something about the injustices in the world. I will try very hard; to always make it clear, that the ones he kills, deserve to die. I would defintely like to see this work where Eddy Styx rescues the poor cat from the sicko. i'm sure that you can be, and are as poetic as I, and I know your writing is very good, so find it, and post it! I won't delete this, as I am now getting more comments and suggestions from others here. I was just afraid that the topic was too strong for most of the readers here to comment on. Love ya, ~ Gee

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keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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author comment

I've always had that idea in mind, just never thought of him with that word. I know that the subject is painful, but I guess that a secret part of me has always wanted to be someone who would do what Killer did. I suppose that it is probablly a good thing, that there aren't that many people out there who do. There would be mistakes made, and innocent people would be hurt or killed. I know you have been very busy, and I understand. You have a lot going on. I haven't been here as much as I would normally be either. Between working an extra day, and going on the day shift, my schedule has gotten messed up. I haven't been sleeping too good, and I have been just trying to maintain, if you know what I mean. I miss reading you too, and hope that soon we will be able to settle into things, and read and write more often. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
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author comment
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