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ON PASSING

Now as you reach that final summit
preparing for that long last plummet
don't let me look into your eyes
and see that which you despise.

You've always scorned defeat in others
be they cousins, friends or brothers,
surrender's never been your way
even on your darkest day.

Keep your vision fierce and bright
remaining on pedestal's height.
Too soon the time of rest arrives
matters not how hard one strives.

Perchance there is no great beyond
so stay with those who you hold fond.
Let your last breath be a fighter's pant
and your death rattle a final rant.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

It was written for you and any who find themselves in your situation..............stan

author comment

It's a bit selfish also, as it urges fighting so as to avoid the loss of the fighter. Thanks for coming by............stan

author comment

Touching and profound. I seen a couple punctuation blips but other then that you really brought this one close to my heart. It had me with a wee lump in my throat as it reminded me at the end of the day the family is the first part of your heart and in your last dying breath let a sigh out not so in a rant but in a chant. A new life begins.

Impressed Stan

Magics
xoxo

No fair telling me I need punctuation corrections without telling me where lol. I glad you liked this..........stan

author comment

The part cousins, friends or brothers. It is just one comma. While I am here again how about this line

even on the darkest day

maybe even on your darkest day - to go with the other yours in the poem. Just a tsuggest here. I see you have improved in your skilsl and shortened up some of your classics. I always have enjoyed your poem stories and this one shows just how well you have been doing here without me:) Less words, same effect. Good work

You are a good person Stan. Never change

Love and Blessings

Mona

thanks for the punctuation point. I have learned it's easier to let a poem sit a day or so before editing content so I can do it all at once instead of piecemeal. I will give your idea on that line consideration in edit. By the way, Some of my poems STILL drag on lol...........stan

author comment

As I expect of you young man:) Yes I tend to put my work up too soon and then later and then much later still go in and take out what is not necessary and add what I think is. It is a trial and error thing. I look at some of my first poems and they stink. Plain and simple. Stink. So I have been going back and seeing the difference from when I first started to write and it is to me a big difference. Long way to go but enjoying it along the way.

I do not claim to be a star poet but I can tell you this. If you love to write and really have a passion for it, it is well worth the time you spend in learning it. Not just poetry but other writes as well. I miss reading about Morgana and her journalist endeavor. It is an interesting field of work. Writing is limitless and the more you learn and practice helps you and your readers to appreciate what you have written.

I think you did a great job on this one Stan honestly. I wouldn't tell you if I did not feel it. That is just me. I tell it like I feel it or see it written as I do with SPAG. It is just one of my sticklers to learn more copyediting and proofreading also.

If I could give you a six I would but since I can not check those stars off I shall send them to you this way. ****** and ** more for good measure.

Run to bed now, it is late

Regards
Mona M

This is a very deep poem with very intellectual and creative power by my genius teacher (Stan).
Regards
Ayaz

thank you very much but I think "genius" is overdoing it lol..................stan

author comment

thank you very much...........................stan

author comment

I do not like this poem. Until you live it you can't write it. You wrote so-so gratuitous sentimental prose put to rhyme.

Dylan Thomas wrote (in rhyme) this poem, living through the death of his father. See if you can see what the difference is between poetry and sentimental prose that manipulates a few words around to cloak it in the semblance of poetry.

Tell us in your poem, what do YOU KNOW of death. That is what belongs in your poem.

Do not go gentle into that good night ~ Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

A

It was not my intention to be compared to such a write as this. As to not being able to write unless I've lived it, I've sat with my brother, mother, and father as they died from drawn out illnesses. Perhaps you should know your facts before you accuse me of not having lived what I write. As to your liking it, everybody is entitled to an opinion, and I value yours and agree this poem is near nothing compared to Dylan's. Few are................stan

author comment

Thanks for responding I surmised as much, by the time we have lived our age, we have witnessed death many times, up close and personal.

Do not fear to go to that place, Stan. Your poetry will take on new meaning.

However, my critique of this poem is for poets whose poetry is just *talk* nice or well-meaning as it is... it's not YOU inside of your poem, breaking your heart open with the lines you wrote, for all of us to feel YOUR poem and be TOUCHED by it.

Here we're touched by sentimentality. Sure, we all are sentimental slobs, but poets raise the bar on *sentimentality* and reach out and touch someone with their *EXPERIENCE* and not how to's.

~A

This is a first attempt at a poem which has been brooding for years. I wanted to make it more about the person reading it than myself. I think you have seen a number of my writes evolve over time and this one will either be improve upon eventually or deleted as a few of my efforts have been. I will leave it to a future write when my skills are up to it to write a poem on my father's death. ................scribbler

author comment

Have no idea how I missed this comment until now. I expect your brother was looking over your shoulder and smiling as you wrote this poem for him. Thanks for coming by and sharing it..............stan

author comment

I think its fair to say that this touched us all, and with a great moral too, "never give up".Another great write, thanks for sharing it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

this was for all who have watched a loved one die,selfishly wishing they wouldn't.................scribbler

author comment

Perchance there is no great beyond
remain with those who you hold fond
let your last breath be a fighter's pant
and your rattle a final rant

I was dead for around a minute and a half last August. I don't remember any light at the end of the tunnel. The problem is I don't remember anything because of the damned drugs the gave me after reviving me.

This is an emotional read for me, and I find myself choking back tears, A fine and touching write. I have no suggestions, just appreciation.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I knew you have had health problems but was unaware that you had come so close to leaving. I am sorry this saddened you so but am glad as always that you dropped by..............stan

author comment

understand clearly.
very good
SCRIBBLE

Keep your vision fierce and bright
remaining on pedestal's height
...........................................too soon the time of rest arrives
........................................................................................no matter how hard one strives

YOU, I SEE Sir are one of the finest poets i know .

ANy objections please do not raise here.

loved

I am grieved that you know so few poets lol. Thanks for the visit and taking time to leave such kind comment.............scribbler

author comment

then u see
i know only two poets from past history
SHAKESPEARE was one
NOW ITS
SHAKINGSPEARE ME
U can ask Shirley

loved

I fear asking which shakingspear you refer to lol.........scribbler

author comment

Lovedly

also finally

SHAKINGSPEARELY

AS I TOUCH 4000 POEMS ON TRIOND
NOW ITS ABOUT 3950 ONLY.

www.triond.com
lovelyhoney

loved

I like this quite a lot. The emotion is there, the tearing of the heart, and anger at contronting the end.

You'll find that many modernist poets believe that making a poem such as this one rhyme somehow detracts from the serious nature of the subject and its emotional content. Many believe that rhyme is "old fashioned" and somehow "dilutes" the depth of meaning and feeling, making the piece seem childish and cliched, and detracting from the "true" emotions one is supposed to feel.

I say garbage, write poetry the way your are comfortable writing it.

I like the rhyme, it works pretty well, but I would like to see the lines of this piece all have the same syllabyl count, because it would give the poem much more impact. Iambic tetrameter might be a good choice here for cadence, where each line would have four sets of two syllabyls, and the second of each set is stressed. This would give the piece more power and focus, imo.

Good stuff, I look forward to watching this develop.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I did find it kind of interesting that the poem used to point out the comparative shortcomings of my poem was another rhyming poem. Perhaps because the example was easily remembered. I fully expect to renovate this poem in the near future( already made 1 small change) and will keep your suggestions in mind when i do. I am glad you defined"Iambic tetrameter" as I had no idea what that is. I think some on site keep forgetting I am an unschooled beginner.Appreciate the visit and suggestion..........stan

author comment

you aren't one to let anyone go gently into the night
not even yourself... as the poetic persona suggests.
My nan used to say, 'Age and dignity.'

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

As I'm on the verge of turning 57,I'm finding that maintaining dignity as an aging body slowly betrays you is much easier said than done lol.Thanks for the visit...............scribbler

author comment

I suspect the dignity bit of that motto comes in....
we appear with dignified deliberate motion (ergo... slow)
and appear to be unrushed and magnanimous, lol...
My dad is 70 this year and he too is contemplating thusward.

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

And I live by that... he let's me be and I let him be... there is a time when our offspring are grown up and the tables change even if both parties aren't always willing. It's nothing like a Mexican stand-off, more like a developing mutual respect. Then we find that we could actually live together! What a surprise that sometimes is, and a pleasant one at that :-)

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PISCEAN MAN
UR NOW FITYSEVEN
STAN

II MARCH 1954?????

good heavens
still so young

loved

yes Mar. 11, 1954. Still young, just old legs lol.............stan

author comment

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STAN: THE SCRIBBLE MASTER

No, not at all old
The legs still hold
The weight
Of the mighty poet
A Lord amongst equals

Poetry is a gift divine
Many compose
But minuscules shine,
Let this birthday of thine
Give you the entire love fine.
As you step up the ladder
More the world will be gladder.

Such a poet,
Once walked this way,
Shakingspeare,
Did also say
Twill be a rosy day,
When a Nobel comes
Thy way

loved

Thanks for the birthday poem. The closest I'll ever get to a Noble is having nobby knees lol..............stan

author comment

even i do.NOT MUCH OF A POET DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
hopefully do....

regards to ma'am for having

such a wonderful and Humane human being
as a man
a VERY rare commodity in these days
Best Wishes regards from me
AND ALL CANADIANS FOR THE BEST POET FRIEND

loved

Welcome back from your vacation. I am glad you enjoyed this................stan

author comment
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