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Puppy Dog
Puppy Dog
Did I do it good enough?
Did I beat him down enough?
Did I shred his soul enough?
Was my tone sufficiently rough?
Aye my love
You saw the cut, done by me
You saw his pain, done with glee
Now I beseech, nay implore thee
Did he bleed enough?
Aye my love
Target hated?
Properly sated?
Sufficiently berated?
Now elated?
A question first, 'til you bleed for me, love:
Am I damned enough?
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
For the brown-nosers in the world and those who support their quest to hurt.
revision 3/9: incorporated Jess's suggestion for additional closing lines. I like the wording, but am not totally happy about the flow problem that it might have created. Any suggestions?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Race_9togo
Tue, 2011-03-08 00:50
Hello Jess,
No criticism, except I found the title a touch creepy, lol.
Good stuff, portraying a troll in such terms, well done.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-03-08 03:03
Love the structure,
beautifully word-crafted. The emotional impact, wow! The vitriol is palpable!
You know I am going to be a cheeky bloody elf and suggest it could use two last lines, and even suggest what they could be.
And now my love
bleed for me.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
infinite_dwarf
Tue, 2011-03-08 12:59
Thanks, gents.
This was actually written about several situations which had happen in the past. In short, a bully, and the woman who supported him, and praised him like a puppy. I suppose it could be extrapolated to include all people who hurt others just to make themselves feel important and try to justify their existence, attempting to feel good about themselves.
@ Jess T - you're more than welcome to add anything you like, you know that. I'd love to hear what you come up with! By the way, I love that Rushdie quote.
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-03-09 02:44
I already said
"And now my love
bleed for me."
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
infinite_dwarf
Sat, 2011-03-12 16:46
yeah, it took me a bit to
yeah, it took me a bit to figure that out. Tried to work it in, but not sure how well it worked with the original flow.
Hooded Stranger
Tue, 2011-03-08 14:18
Ouch!
Dear Jess,
ouch!...to whoever reads this and sees themselves in this?
I really liked the conversation style, and the reply "aye my love"...you nailed it my friend.
The closing line works for me:
"Am I damned enough..."
This is such a great write, and yet in such a simple style.
Bravo!
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.