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Welcome to the masquerade
You're the lies beneath my wings
the one who doesn't know the truth.
Following footsteps led me to believe
how naive and dazed you seem to be.
You're the "role model"
who only thinks for herself.
Liar with a pretty face, you deceive and get away.
If only they saw what hid behind the facade
all those lies that scream from your face.
With you it's like a masquerade
many masks yet with one face.
You have a lie for every person
a new tale for every breath you take.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
<3
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Sat, 2011-03-05 00:17
Adri!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great to see you girl! (((hugs)))
I think I've met this girl. Yesterday. And the day before. Oh, and last week! teehee
Yep, you've nailed her.
Your the lies beneath my wings [You're the lies beneath my wings]
Your the "role model" [You're the "role model"]
Do you think that first verse could use a little pruning?
You're the lies beneath my wings
you just don't know the truth.
In your footsteps I could see
how naive and dazed you are.
ok, maybe that's over the top, just giving you some ideas for flow, you know? Maybe some work on the second too.
last verse is great.
Hope to see you round some more.
Fury Brats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
ANC1996
Sat, 2011-03-05 15:31
Jess!!!!! (: ((hugs!!))
Thanks for the tips Jess(: I went through & corrected the ' you're ' & changed some of the wording. I didn't like the original first verse much. Fury brats!!
Hello Xena(: thanks!
Peace,
Adri.
author commentHooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-03-05 19:06
ANC
ANC,
really liked the final stanza;
With you it's like a masquerade
many masks yet with one face.
You have a lie for every person
a new tale for every breath you take
it was like a summary of the previous stanza's without sounding repetitive.
The second stanza was good but you used 'face' in it twice and just wonder if an alternative word could be used to prevent the repetition. A simple change of face to mouth, would work.
I enjoyed the write, thanks for sharing,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-03-06 04:22
good edit
loses nothing of content and gains in scansion and flow
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry