Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Mind Meld...

The loss of control, between body and mind
The connections are gone, been left behind
I try to mate them, meld them, inspire
But they won't match up, meet in the fire

Broken pieces won't heal, the glue doesn't stick
I'm missing the mortar, there are unattached bricks
A low moan emerges, then a much higher note
Screams erupt, from deep in my throat

Embracing the pain, holding it close
Endorphines kick in, give me a dose
Drifting in limbo, wait for relief
This headache is through giving me grief

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

the comma does change the intent of the last line, I have removed it. I used your idea about the bricks, just a little differently. Thanks much, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

I often suffer a disconnect between what my mind wants to do and what my body is willing. I see Bee has already offered advice on the only stumbles I saw in this...................stan

for the read, I appreciate the second opinion. I made a couple of changes. Yes, it seems as though those disconnected feelings happen more and more, the older we get. Chuckle ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.