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The Jewel Within Your Face

I will always love you
with all your lovely ways.
And that precious little smile of yours
the jewel within your face.

We danced a lot in the early days
as you warmed my heart in so many ways.
I couldn’t help but fall in love
for you were my angel, sent from above.

There is a song of a ‘Lady in Red’
with you it was a little brown dress!
So simple in its shape and design
but in it you looked so divine.

Little things are special for me and you
like that night alone with you.
When we looked up to the stars, in early spring
and to us it meant everything.

Our life together continues on
but the little brown dress, sadly has gone.
Time has passed, the dancing has too
but I am still in love with you.

I will always love you
with all your lovely ways.
And that precious little smile of yours
the jewel within your face.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

You have used the word love 6 times. I mean fair's fair, you'll probably have the words union on your back! LOL

You know, jewels as metaphors for mouths... they are hard and they cost a lot.

I hope she likes it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Er, I make it four! However I wrote this poem years ago and I think it's a bit, how should I put it, naff?
I don't normally go public with it as it was written when my poetry was in it's infancy.
but I thought if I put it on here, some feedback might help turn it into an acceptable poem.
Thanks for the interesting comment Jess.
take care,
Tim

author comment

Sorry I couldn't help much, It's just me the problem with jewels as metaphors in faces.

To be honest? maybe it is a bit naff, you wrote it, I can't help you turn it into something new.

Just maybe write something new.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I want to say hello and just read this one from you and would love to offer my edit if you like. It speaks of love and the brown dancing dress you profoundly talk about. I have not been on here much but will try to get back as much as possible, as time allows. I thought you went away and it is so nice to see you back. Yes, I did get your email. Sorry for the late response friend. Hope all is well with you and the family also Will talk soon friend.

Blessings of love:)
Mona Magics

hello Mona, how nice to hear from you again and your advice is always welcome.
We are doing okay and this year will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. My wife deserves a medal.
I only disappeared because Neopoet went away because of it's huge problem and wondered if you were still involved with the site.
I hope I find you and yours in good health and spirit.
take care,
Tim

author comment

Nice to hear from you and this is what I came up with. Just changed a few things here

I will always love you
with all your lovely ways.
And those precious little smiles of yours
the jewel within your face.

We danced a lot in the early days
as you warmed my heart in so many ways.
I couldn’t help but fall in love
for you were my angel, sent from above.

There is a song of a ‘Lady in Red’
with you it was a little brown dress!
So simple in its shape and design
but in it you looked so divine.

Little things are special for me and you
like that night alone with you.
When we looked up to the stars, in early spring
and to us it meant everything.

Our life together continues on
but the little brown dress sadly has gone.
Time has passed, the dancing has too
but I am still in love with you.

I will always love you
with all your lovely ways.
And those precious little smiles of yours
the jewel within your face.

I am stuck on the part also (the jewel within your face) how about that jewel within your face. Just changed the smile to those smiles. This is a great way to display your affection and love for your wife and I am sure she was happy with it.

Will be back to read more of you.

Love and blessings
Mona

thanks for the advice and comments Mona, always a pleasure to hear from you.
take care.
Tim

author comment

you have said that this poem was inspired long ago when your poetry was in its infancy....but like a young one i find a lot of innocence in it....my very best wishes for your love in of each other to continue to prosper and grow beyond the 40 years and many more miles ...

warmly..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you Raj for your thoughtful and warmhearted comments.
You take care,
Tim

author comment

Hey Tim,

Write about how you love her little brown dress and the first day you saw her in it.

~A

Now there's a thought!
many thanks,
Tim

author comment
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