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Car stopped, head not.

Submitted by weirdelf on Fri, 2011-03-04 07:02

Car stopped, head not.

I can see two trafficator lights flashing,
I can hear my own clicking,
while we wait at lights.
clicklick where is it?
flash shit, I forgot
flash fuck him
did I do that?
flash clicklick oh, fuckit
if she hadn't
flash clicklick when did they?
flash what if I can't
I suppose I should, help!

flash flash clicklick oh, I see. Isn't it lovely.

who said that?
flash clicklick it's a lie
flash I didn't do it
no-one saw me do it
flash you can't prove a thing
oh, fuckoff
flash clicklick but I can't
flash that won't do
it's all their fault

flash flash clicklick mmm, beautiful, thankyou

clicklick the smoke hangs out
flash the corner his mouth
flash he tough
clicklick if he say
flash then i say
clicklick but if he
flash then I'll
flash you no good, creep, fake
clicklick stopit, please stopit
please

flash flash clicklick yes, I understand, now

flash
flash
clicklick

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sat, 2011-03-05 06:29

weirdelf's picture
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my "rationalization" could be that it is supposed to be confusing, that the clicks and flashes are supposed to be about disrupted thought..

But you are right, if I can't use that concept to create something meaningful, then I have failed.

I am going to give this piece a lot more thought and see what I can really say with it.

Thanks for your insight.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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