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"The Sweetest of Dreams"
The midnight moon and the swirling clouds,
the jagged rocks and nonexistent crowds.
The tall oak tree with its gnarled roots,
a smaller tree, bares many fruits.
Sample this fruit my love,
its the fruit of a god.
taste of this fruit my love,
its sweet yet its odd.
The misty mountains and an old stone tomb,
in the valley, gorgeous flowers now bloom.
A warm swift breeze travels down the hillside,
across a pond, where wild horses reside.
A wild beast stalks among tall underbrush,
the angel whispers watch child, now hush.
The animal of nightmares lays down and purrs,
you approach, rub its belly, and tussle its fur.
A raven sits sentinel on a lone granite boulder,
it flies to the angel and lands on her shoulder.
With the blink of an eye, trees turn to fall,
every color imaginable, you hear the raven now caw.
Its the sweetest of dreams my love,
peaceful and calm.
Awake from this dream my love,
you hold my heart in your palm.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words:
This is actually the second of a couple dreams that I had, I wrote the other in this way also.My girlfriend inspires me in many ways and without her I fear my writing would be soulless.
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Maryland
Favorite Poets
I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also, for I find it to be of great inspiration.These are lyrics to a song by Monster Magnet called Ozium, it never fails to put me in the writing mood and thought I would share it, lol., " I'm up to my brain in the mire of an ancient swamp, Pteranadon smiles at me and flies up to god, Baby let me drink deep from your globes of reality, Writhe your naked ass to the mindless groove, baby give your tongue a taste and follow me up to my room, the bullgod has your head, and baby thats just fine, now it is time, we became the mighty cell, wrap those hungry jacks? to the mindless groove, they say we've got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, baby, the faster you gyrate the faster we'll be there, arms up overhead, a goddess in the ancient song, work that mighty world to the mindless groove, they say weve got a life time but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, they say weve got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied I will not be denied"
Comments
Ayaz Warith
Fri, 2011-03-04 04:25
Dearest, Zombie...some parts
Dearest, Zombie...some parts are really romantic...that is ....thoughtful...and I can vividly see the tinge of Wordsworth in your style. Thanks for sharing.
Regards
Ayaz
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-03-04 05:50
Thank you
I tend to get this way when I write with my girlfriend in mind, she tend to bring the romantic side out in me.thanks you for the comment.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-03-04 05:49
A sweet dream indeed,
I wondered at first about the fruit tasting odd, if maybe you were stretching for a rhyme. Now I like it, sort of dream idiosyncrasy though perhaps a few extra touches like that could enhance the "dreamosyncrasy".
I've got to tell you I have a real problem with
a beautiful angel
I mean, ever heard of an ugly one? But mostly you can always find a better descriptor than beautiful.
A tiny thing, but I think it could also benefit slightly stylistically from stanza breaks after
its sweet yet its odd.
and
you approach, rub its belly, and tussle its fur.
Mostly I appreciate the gentle wonder of the piece, without it falling into sentimentality.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-03-04 06:23
Ah the beautiful angel
Its about my girlfriend, its what i call her.this is a dream that i had about her, its strange because in my dream she was both herself and the angel, lol..I tried my best to convey it with the written word.I was actually intending the stanza breaks but I had got interrupted before doing so after I posted it.Thanks for the comment Jess.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-03-04 05:54
thank you Bee
I appreciate the help and and will fix these things as soon as i can.thanks again.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-03-04 06:32
Nicely polished.
I like the changes
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-03-04 06:45
Thank you Jess
Thats why I love this site, I knew it was rough and I could get the necessary help here.Thanks again for your help Jess its appreciated.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKailashana2
Fri, 2011-03-04 06:34
After reading your poem and
After reading your poem and the suggestions already commented, I think if you applied these suggestions, this poem would be woven into a delightful dreamcatcher of a poem.
~A
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-03-04 06:46
Thank You
How I love smoothing the rough out and finding the gem under.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 13:10
Hello Again,
The only other words that might be substituted for beautiful, that I can think of are, stunning, radiant, and luminous. Maybe a descriptor instead, such as: statuesque or majestic?
love this one KZ!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-03-04 13:55
Thanks Cat
I just decided to take beautiful out completely, I think it flows best without it.Thanks for the suggestions Cat and I'm glad you liked it.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-03-04 13:58
Glad you enjoyed it
I like writing poems like this, this was actually a real dream and I enjoyed putting a pen to it.Thanks Shirl, glad you enjoyed it.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentraj
Fri, 2011-03-04 13:58
Dear KZ
much has already been said and suggested about the beauty of this write...but i must say.,...what a beautifull finesses in these lines..
Awake from this dream my love,
you hold my heart in your palm.
and aptly so when you have said that your GF is the source of your inspiration....may your love prosper always...
warmly...
raj (sublime_ocean)
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-03-04 14:09
Thank you raj
I'm glad to able to share these things with you all.Thanks again.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKINGZOMBIE
Sat, 2011-03-05 01:56
Thank you Rosi
This poem means a lot to me and I'm glad I got it right.I'm happy you liked it.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentHooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-03-05 18:48
KZ
KZ,
I'm not one for this type of subject, but the tempo of this piece kept me interested. I was actually listening to a song by Icon of Coil "Former self (radio edit)" whilst reading your poem. The tempo was almost spot on. I think you could tighten it up here and there to keep the same line lengths and syllables so it fits a perfect tempo.
A good write and I particularly liked this:
Sample this fruit my love,
its the fruit of a god.
taste of this fruit my love,
its sweet yet its odd.
which you could drop in further down as well to almost make it a chorus...although I am sure you didn't write this with lyrics in mind.
Anyway, I enjoyed myself,
regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.