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Soulless
Squawking crows submerging, the doom lit forest
The sky, slate grey in its misery,
Soul keeper emerges from his unholy lair.
Sub human in his disposition,
Instilling fear and dread in humanity,
Where there once was a man
there is now a immortal being
Twisted interpreter of pain.
Fallen angel, intimate in his distain.
Society's dross, morality dribbled away
Day by day.
Soul sucker dirty little perversion
Hidden for so long.
Has remerged and strikes fear
Into the weak and the strong.
Grim death, seeking your last breath.
The bend of time is infinite.
And so Soul Keeper will remain.
The evil force and engineer
of the world's downfall.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
West London
Favorite Poets
Pablo Neruda, Jack Kerouac, Alan Ginsberg, D.H Lawrence, Jim Morrison's lyrics
Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-03-04 06:03
Chilling vision!
there is now a immortal being [there is now an immortal being]
Love the line!-
Fallen angel, intimate in his distain.
The only thing that bothers me about this is a kind of philosophical/content type issue. Is the soul keeper death or evil? Either way the line
The evil force of nature,
seems strange, how can nature or death be evil?
Perhaps I am missing something here.
Anyway, really effective write.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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lou
Fri, 2011-03-04 07:19
Jess
Thank you,
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentKailashana2
Fri, 2011-03-04 06:55
Perhaps Lou, you'll remember
Perhaps Lou, you'll remember that it's is a contraction for *it is* and not to be used in the second line. *Its* is the right write.
Other than that, though I am not an aficionado of overtly dark or sugary poetry, the question of evil being soulless is well-asked.
Also word placement such as *so long hidden* instead of *for so long hidden* is a bit more poetic, imo.
~A
lou
Fri, 2011-03-04 07:20
Anna
Thanks
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentKailashana2
Fri, 2011-03-04 07:38
There is no apostrophe after
There is no apostrophe after its. Its in this case is not plural possessive. its is never plural possessive. The apostrophe after an adjective, noun, etc. indicates plural possessive, as in
students' books...students being plural and possessive of books.
(as in its colour, its shape, its sound, its texture, its shaggy hair, its limbs, its leaves, its etc. etc. )
~A
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-03-04 07:03
I like it lou
I have written something similar to this.You are right, you have a dark side and I like it, lol.Great write lou.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
lou
Fri, 2011-03-04 07:22
KZ
Thanks , the poem is based on the protagonist in the fantasy novel i'm writing.
i'm glad that you enjoyed it.
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentlou
Fri, 2011-03-04 07:31
BEE
thank you
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2011-03-08 11:15
Dear Lou,
I've been waiting for Soul Keeper's emergence with baited breath! This is exciting, you have NOT disappointed me in the least! I have a few suggestions for when you get around to doing your edit:
a immortal being
use an immortal being.
Soul sucker , dirty little perversion
get rid of the space between sucker and the comma.
My favorite lines are the last:
The bend of time is infinite.
And so Soul Keeper will remain.
The evil force and engineer
of the world's downfall.
love, Cat (& eddy)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
lou
Tue, 2011-03-08 13:02
Cat and Eddy
Thank you , that is a huge compliment.
much love Lou ( and soul keeper)
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
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