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Teddy Bear

There is an old teddy bear
Beat up, worn down, but still soft and cute
Who always sits in the window.
The gloomy window
The lonely window
Every day people pass by
Not even glancing at the small bear
it seems that is where he will stay,
The gloomy teddy
The lonely teddy
He rests his small paw on it
That cursed transparent barrier
Threaded tear runs down his felt cheek
A saddened bear
A desperate bear
But in the window he stays
Growing thin, ragged until one day
The clerk takes him from the window
A saddened cry
A desperate cry
Now in that corner he sits
Waiting and wishing for someone
Whom he knows will never come, And
that is where he stays.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
In this poem, i guess that i take the place of the teddy bear, so when reading, imagine that you are the teddy bear. =)
Editing stage: 

Comments

Welcome to neopoet, yenti is spot on, if i was the teddy i would remember the little boy or girl as well. Try and imagine what the teddy would see from the corner or window. Great theme and your poem is good, it just needs a bit of work. hope this helps, Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

But I have been redeemed by my child who not only cares for several but has two of mine and three of my wife's teddies. This poem brings back clear memories of childhood and the wonder of teddy bear adventures.

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

thank you so much yenti and roscoe for the critisism! i will work on it some more, and thank you crypticbard, that is so cute. =)
*pulls pencil out from behind ear and starts scribbling frantically * let the revisions begin!

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Semper Paratus
Always Ready

Don't let your tongue cut your throat =)

author comment

Haha, thank you xena! don't cry tho! not all teddy bears end up in corners, and the best, most favorite ones are always the ones that you rediscover years later while rummaging through your closet. =)

********************************************************************
Semper Paratus
Always Ready

Don't let your tongue cut your throat =)

author comment

I liked these lines best:

He rests his small paw on it
That cursed transparent barrier
Threaded tear runs down his felt cheek

because they gave me the impression the action was occuring *now*, that I was watching it in progress rather than being told about something that happens every day. That would be my suggestion--to make the action more live. Something like:

There is an old teddy bear
Beat up, worn down, but still soft and cute
**sitting in the window.**
The gloomy window
The lonely window
**people pass by**
Not even glancing at the small bear
**that is where he will stay,**
The gloomy teddy
The lonely teddy
He rests his small paw on it
That cursed transparent barrier
Threaded tear runs down his felt cheek
A saddened bear
A desperate bear
But in the window he stays
**He grows thin, ragged until one day**
The clerk takes him from the window
A saddened cry
A desperate cry
Now in that corner he sits
Waiting and wishing for someone
Whom he knows will never come, And
that is where he stays.

It's a small change but it reads somewhat different to me. See what you think. I thought the repetition worked well.

Your right, i like how it gives a little more feel to the poem, i like it a lot! The repetition was something new that i wanted to try, glad that it worked! =)

********************************************************************
Semper Paratus
Always Ready

Don't let your tongue cut your throat =)

author comment
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