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To Sleep by Georgian Bay

Submitted by ArrowWords on Mon, 2011-02-28 10:31

The open casements by my bed,
speak the sound of the Georgian shore,
when the moonless black night,
blinds in dark my open eyes.

I can only listen
to the rhythmic lapping water’s edge
on the nearby stones and sand,
saying,
Swoosh to sleep now,
Swoosh to sleep now,

In the whispered shush,
like the small curled waves
seeping back from shape,
I softly curl away,
into my seeping dreams,

Below the surface ripples,
spent by windswept crashes,
foamy fist’s thundering pound
that splashed white
on the gray gone day,
I am the blood flood shore.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Roscoe Lane

Tue, 2011-03-01 05:09

Roscoe Lane's picture

Great poem, at first i was not sure, i thought i'd read it all before. But reading it a few times, convinced me. Only thing i would do different is write it in verse, break it up, i think it would be more effective. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

ArrowWords

Tue, 2011-03-01 07:48

Thanks. I've broken it up into verses. I think the breaks are in the right places, but always have trouble being sure. I agree with your suggestion. Reading it aloud I was pausing without thinking about it and failed to put that on the page.

author comment

ArrowWords

Tue, 2011-03-01 07:50

Thanks. I'm a little confused about your suggestion. Did you mean "peace"?

author comment

CCfire

Sun, 2011-04-17 22:02

CCfire's picture

You do have a way of making a poem almost into a whisper. I'd perhaps watch how many gerunds you use (ing words) that tend to weaken the images. But in saying that it's just my preference in how I write, this is just a beautiful piece.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

ArrowWords

Wed, 2011-04-20 10:17

Thanks. Good comment. I have made a few changes, trying to leave the gerunds only where they serve a purpose.

Cheers,
Don

author comment

scribbler

Wed, 2011-04-20 22:08

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One of the more peaceful soothing poems I've read in a while. Right up to blood floor shore which I must be too tired to know what That means lol................scribbler

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