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The Crow
`
the old crow
that blotted out the sun
perched upon a fencepost
and made faces
I have only ever seen
with nose pressed
against the pane
as I spied
ochred leaves
straddle the spine
of a willing breeze
to where tomorrow
could not yet be
`
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Kailashana2
Mon, 2011-02-28 07:46
Love the beginning & ending
Love the beginning & ending
but the middle could use less cliche,
such as:
leaves pressed against the window pane,
I see fallen
into the saddle....
~A
crypticbard
Tue, 2011-03-08 09:12
it's actually
nose pressed and spied fallen leaves.
I've rephrased those lines as per your suggestion.
I am wondering though about this drive in contemporary poetry to be sterile of all cliché.
There must be some amount of near-cliché that allows readers to connect with certain lines in a poem.
Of course you wouldn't want it to be an outright cliché. I am not aware of those phrases in question being over used in poetry and would appreciate being made aware of their actual standing on the clichemeter. Just got back from the online cliché finder and none of those came up. :-)
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author commentloved
Mon, 2011-02-28 12:23
love it all
of course twas only a crow
what else!
loved
tired_goat
Mon, 2011-02-28 17:10
such beautiful phrasing
a petite delight, like a rustic friand of poetry!
http://poeji.tumblr.com
Kailashana2
Tue, 2011-03-08 09:24
You have captured a moment
You have captured a moment eloquently and elegantly with your rewrite.
~A