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"The Zombie King"
I sit upon my throne of corpses,
my crown made of splintered bone.
Dismembered bodies bow at my feet,
as I feast on the flesh of the living.
My castle overlooks the potters ground,
as I walk in gardens of stone.
My touch like winter, my skin, rotted.
My army-
maggots and worms.
My queen is disease,
her heart beats in my bony hand.
All are welcome to my forsaken land.
After your final breath, you shall see,
my kingdom is eternal,
my kingdom is death.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words:
This one I had posted on Neopoet before the crash, I'm just curious if the response will be the same or not and possibly see if there are any improvements to be made.I made a change to the last line, please let me know if its better.
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Maryland
Favorite Poets
I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also, for I find it to be of great inspiration.These are lyrics to a song by Monster Magnet called Ozium, it never fails to put me in the writing mood and thought I would share it, lol., " I'm up to my brain in the mire of an ancient swamp, Pteranadon smiles at me and flies up to god, Baby let me drink deep from your globes of reality, Writhe your naked ass to the mindless groove, baby give your tongue a taste and follow me up to my room, the bullgod has your head, and baby thats just fine, now it is time, we became the mighty cell, wrap those hungry jacks? to the mindless groove, they say we've got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, baby, the faster you gyrate the faster we'll be there, arms up overhead, a goddess in the ancient song, work that mighty world to the mindless groove, they say weve got a life time but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, they say weve got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied I will not be denied"
Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-02-25 03:27
Why not? Look death and corruption in the face.
I would rather read this than
"baby I'm so blue
my life is nothing without you"
The last line is perhaps a bit trite. I bet you could give it more personal impact to your reader.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-02-25 04:59
I agree
I have had a problem with the last line since Ive written it, but I am not so quick to change something unless I have something better.this is exactly the type of critique that I'm looking for, it has substance and is constructive.Thank you ...
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-02-25 05:02
I never thought of it
With black sabbath paling behind it, awesome thought, lol.I'm actually pretty happy with everything but the last line but I will keep your suggestions in mind.i'm glad you liked it and thank you once again:-)
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentPixee
Fri, 2011-02-25 09:32
Hello Kingzombie
An interesting poem. I have never read nor written anything close to this. I think you put a lot of yourself into this. It is a good read and I thank you for writing it. Keep up the great work.
Read you later.
Quote" Poetry is the living soul of the writer.
by Pixee
Cheers,
Pixee
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-02-25 09:37
Thank you Pixee
I'm glad that you enjoyed it:-)
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2011-02-25 11:25
Dear King Z.
My army-
maggots and worms.
My queen is disease,
her heart beats in my bony hand.
All are welcome to my forsaken land.
After your final breath, you shall see,
my kingdom is eternal,
my kingdom is death.
although I do like this piece, I also like the suggestions that Bee has made. This poem is dark and gritty... my cup of tea!
always, cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-02-25 18:35
Thank you Cat
Your opinion is means a lot to me, and I have to admit that I like mean bees suggestions too.I tend to be a tinkerer with my writing changing little things at a time.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKailashana2
Fri, 2011-02-25 11:43
death is my eternal kingdom
death is my eternal kingdom
the living wait for my redemption...
dancing
on the boulevard d'Orleans.
how about that for the last line?
~A
p.s. welcome back!
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-02-25 18:38
You all amaze me
I wish that I had just a small portion of the talent of you all, it amazes me how different and excellent these ideas are from my rough original.Thank you all for your help and suggestions:-)
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
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