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"Kill Me Softly"
Wrap me in your plastic,
suffocate my past.
Drown me in your sorrows,
kill me so it lasts.
Slit my throat so gently,
slice into my veins.
Kill me oh so softly,
seek my promised name.
Rip my flesh from bone,
pull my fingernails.
Leave me laying, rotting,
hammer me with nails.
Choking on the inside,
sulfur steals my breath.
Fire burns my eyelids,
I wish to suffer death.
Take my offspring from me,
cutting off my hands.
Lead me from this angel,
to the darkest lands.
Wake me from my shadow,
and from this place I dwell.
Wake me from this dream,
and leave my soul in hell.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Region & Country
Maryland
Favorite Poets
I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also, for I find it to be of great inspiration.These are lyrics to a song by Monster Magnet called Ozium, it never fails to put me in the writing mood and thought I would share it, lol., " I'm up to my brain in the mire of an ancient swamp, Pteranadon smiles at me and flies up to god, Baby let me drink deep from your globes of reality, Writhe your naked ass to the mindless groove, baby give your tongue a taste and follow me up to my room, the bullgod has your head, and baby thats just fine, now it is time, we became the mighty cell, wrap those hungry jacks? to the mindless groove, they say we've got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, baby, the faster you gyrate the faster we'll be there, arms up overhead, a goddess in the ancient song, work that mighty world to the mindless groove, they say weve got a life time but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, they say weve got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied I will not be denied"
Comments
raj
Wed, 2011-02-23 13:22
i liked the transition from
i liked the transition from verse to verse....and the cascading effect it creates...
raj (sublime_ocean)
KINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-02-24 11:39
Thank You
This write was an exorcise for me, you nailed what I was working on.The content of this poem was unimportant to me.I actually had the idea from listening to a emo kid whining about his life earlier in the day.Thank you for your comment, its very much appreciated.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentraj
Thu, 2011-02-24 13:24
it is then testimony of your
it is then testimony of your success in achieving what you set out to do..because my comment was completely un biased and i could feel the cascading effect
raj (sublime_ocean)
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-02-24 07:41
raj seldom says anyhig to help, sorry raj, but it;s true
The title denies the content and the rest is self-indulgent pain of rejection.
It reads like a very talented 18 y/o writer. Wait, I'll check your profile. OOps I was very wrong.
The first line is so "Twin Peaks" it can barely be forgiven. Cliches are cliches. full stop.
The rest is well written, but what are you giving your reader? Nothing I suspect, this is just for you.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
KINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-02-24 11:18
Nope, I'm not eighteen
Your right, it wasn't written for any real purpose.I also never write for anyone but myself, even though I do like when others find something worthy in my writing and even enjoy it sometimes.Also if I may add, I only have a 9th grade education so I will take the talented 18y/o writer comment different than its intention.Be careful though, your comment wasn't very constructive and bordered on rude.Heres the thing, sometimes I just pick random topics and there is nothing deeper intended, thanks for your comments and keep reading.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2011-02-24 12:09
I maintain that if you don't write with your reader in mind
you may as well not post.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
KINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-02-24 12:33
Not what I meant
I wrote this an exorcise for myself, this place is a workshop so I was looking for feedback to make my fundamentals better.As I posted in the above reply, the content of this poem wasn't what was important to me.I would also add that if you have nothing constructive to say that you may as well not comment, but you better believe i will keep posting.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2011-02-24 12:54
k, i get what you sre saying,
about making your poetry less induglent, And about my comments.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-02-25 05:35
I was wrong.
I was wrong.
I mis-interpreted your poem. Didn't realise you would not spot the "Twin Peaks" reference and yes, there was a personal rip, though truly unintended.
My sincere apologies.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-02-25 05:44
Thank You
I don't mind criticism with my poems, I am a growing writer after all.I am also just relearning how to navigate this site again and should have explained what this particular post was about.I accept your apology and I am still curious about the "twin Peaks" reference, lol.I remember the show but I have never watched it.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-02-25 06:00
LOL Laura Palmers dead body was found
and one of the opening lines was "She was wrapped in plastic".
Check it out, the series and David Lynch's other movies, he is brilliant.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Thu, 2011-02-24 13:29
Jess
sorry i couldnt understand the context when you say..
"OOps I was very wrong.
The first line is so "Twin Peaks" it can barely be forgiven. Cliches are cliches. full stop.
The rest is well written, but what are you giving your reader? Nothing I suspect, this is just for you."
Cheers to you too..
raj (sublime_ocean)
KINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-02-24 13:52
The context, lol
The context was about my age, I'm 34 not 18 and it was a not so veiled shot at my writing.The Twin Peaks thing I don't get because I never watched the show.As for the poem having nothing for the reader, I tend to think that depends on the reader.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-02-24 13:56
Thank you Mean Bee
I like your suggestions, thanks for the help.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-02-24 14:04
sure why not
I never was sure about this title, I welcome any help I can get.Thank You
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentKINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-02-24 14:24
WOW, I missed this site
Those are great titles, much more fitting.Thank you, I will definitely play with your suggestions:-)
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentHooded Stranger
Thu, 2011-02-24 14:18
Kingzombie
Dear Kingzombie,
as a reader, I enjoyed this dark piece. I can see how this can easily become a lyric, just needs a tweak here and there and a chorus built in, and some work on the rhyme.
I really liked the opening two lines of stanza one, I used to have re-occurring dreams about being suffocated in plastic, so as soon as I read it, I was hooked.
You have used a simple rhyming sequence with some obvious rhyming words. I would like to see this taken on with more cleverer (is that a word) rhyming. It would just make the whole piece more interesting, rather than predictable.
A quick example:
Take my offspring (away) from me,
cut (into) my (bloodied) hands.
(Force) me from this (false) angel,
And mark me with your burning brand
I felt a little cheated when you rhymed 'fingernails' with 'nails'...Lol!...I know you can do better than that, in fact that really made me laugh out loud. Another idea:
Rip my taught flesh from bone,
pull (off) my (jagged) fingernails.
Leave me laying, rotting (away)
hammer me with nails (in my cess-pool of bloody entrails?)
This has promise, just needs some more thought to express the images a little more vividly.
Kind regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
KINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-02-25 06:07
"Cleverer" lol
Thats awesome, I totally agree that i wrote it kind of predictable and I sure did use the obvious choices in my rhyme scheme.I really like your suggestions especially "in my cess-pool of bloody entrails" i love it, lol.I will definitely try to incorporate your ideas into it.Thank you very much:-)
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentloved
Wed, 2011-03-02 15:15
u say ur a man
Initiating Erotica Afresh
You say you are a man
But
Yet your logo/avatar
Is perhaps
Like that of a woman's
Are you somewhat
Bi
Sorry I mean no offence,
But I just left on
Your erotica
Some salivary and salty comments
Hope you will cherish
Yeah do not lament,
This kind of writing
Is not my norm
But heaven sent
loved
KINGZOMBIE
Wed, 2011-03-02 15:37
Lmao !!!!!
I just read you blog and answered it, I am a straight guy and my avatar is my girlfriend.I wasn't expecting this comment in here, lol
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
author commentloved
Wed, 2011-03-02 16:19
ACTUALLY i have blind eyes during day i can't see only as an owl
at night that's why
this poem was about a kill
i read it as a kiss
that's what
all know how much i miss
a kiss miss miss
loved