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Unadulterated Ego...

Your unassailable intellect led you to believe
that you were my savior.
You wouldn't sail the route across my charts
and so weighed anchor in death's harbour.

By believing in your own divinity
You failed to uphold your oath.
You did harm...

Your Gordian knot undone
by the dull sword of my ineptitude.
I secured freedom
and found my way home.

Disguised as an uneducated wretch
I passed through your kingdom.

Blinded by the facts...
You didn't see me leave.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
I want to see how many people guess what this is about, before telling. In keeping with the nautical anology, I have used the words: sailed, weighed [anchor] and harbor. The clue of "oath to do no harm, is a rite of administration that is universally accepted.
Editing stage: 

Comments

or a certain small person, might sic the poetry police on you, for using unauthorized and forbidden adjectives to describe my work. LOL. Of course, I would never turn you in. I do, so enjoy the praise! A clue: Oath to do no harm. I'm sure that you have some experience with this situation. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Guy

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having decided it probably caused harm 8)

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Thought i would do a little re-write, hope you don't mind, I find that it's easier to illustrate my suggestions this way.

love lou xx

Your unassailable intellect led you to believe
that you were my savior
You wouldn't sail the route across my charts
you wieghed anchor at death's door

Believing in your own divinity
You failed to uphold your oath
Do no harm...

The gordian knot undone
by the dull sword of my ineptitude
I secured freedom
and found my way home

Disguised as an uneducated wretch
I passed through your kingdom
Blinded by the facts...

You didn't see me.

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

mind any means, of bringing my attention to a smoother flow, and greater understanding. I do like the suggestion of sailing across my charts. I will look at this closer. Thank you, Love ya, ~ Gee

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I've given, might be of some help. "An oath to do no harm". It is a universal, worldwide part of an administration rite. The "Gordian" knot, is a snarl of intertwined ropes, impossible to unravel. Try again! Love ya, ~ Gee

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You got it! I was having a good deal of trouble in recovering from my bout with the flu. No matter that I followed the doctor's advice faithfully, I seemed to be worse each day! Instead of being able to breathe better, I got shorter of breath, and was feeling that this was the beginning of the end. I thought that I was going to have to start wearing an oxygen mask all the time, and would have to give up driving taxi. Despondent, and tired, I gave up getting up at 3 a.m. to take my Nebulizer treatments, and just did them when I felt like it. Then, I overslept [from exhaustion] one morning, and didn't do one of my other treatments. Feeling like I could make up for it, by just staying in bed, and not exerting myself, what do you know? I started feeling better! I realised that whenever I went to a doctor's appt. they always asked me the same questions. [ What meds. was I taking, how many times a day, and things that should have been in my[charts]. They were not following the procedures that were being done, by the other doctors! In their unassailable intellect, they were blinded to the fact that they were overmedicating me! The very medicines that were supposed to be helping me, were killing me. I cut through the "Gordian knot" with my dull sword of ineptitude, [just not doing what they thought I should be doing]. Being an "uneducated wretch", I was allowed to feel that all this was my own fault. "You should have listened to us!" Now, I have passed through their kingdom, unawed by their regal incompetence. This does not only apply to this situation, but to to the cause of my constipative colitis, [too much medication has caused my bowels to dry out.] I now am doing much better. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Guy

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Gasho!

~A

going to assume, that "Gasho" might have something to do with the poet: Basho? That is something I am going to have to research. I will come back to this, in the next round. ~ Gee

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Gasho is a *bow*.

~A

Where does that originate? ~ Gee

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You are not a dolt. I can see how one might think that this was about being adulterous. ~ Love ya, ~ Gee

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simply marvellous
what can a silent
inept poet like me
add to the depth of knowledge
you SPRAY
if I may be permitted ,
by stalwarts
this much only
to say

loved

of knowledge I have aquired over the years, has it's roots in the people who have touched my life. I believe; that all things in this universe are connected. If a butterfly's wings beat on the other side of the world, there is an effect on the air on this side. No matter who you meet, they will have an effect on you. You have touched my life, therefore I have touched yours. You make me work at understanding who you are. That challenge lets me examine places and things in my universe, that I would not have explored otherwise. ~ Gee

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Firstly, I am probably late to the party and have not read through any but the first few comments.

My take is that you are talking about the medical profession in general and, perhaps, a specific instance in particular.

The reference of "wouldn't sail the route across my charts" is an indication of a refusal to review past history/condition/treatment and the "do no harm" is a reference to the Hippocratic oath "First, do no harm."

As for the poem, I'm going to recast it with suggestions, some of which is a request for punctuation since you have some in the poem I would like to see you expand the usage to aid the reader in pacing. My suggestions indicate how I paced it in my mind.

----------------------------------

Your unassailable intellect led you to believe
that you were my savior;
You wouldn't sail the route across my charts
and so weighed anchor in death's harbour.

By believing in your own divinity
You failed to uphold your oath
And you did harm.

Your Gordian knot undone
by the dull sword of my ineptitude,
I secured freedom and found my way home.

Disguised as an uneducated wretch
I passed through your kingdom.

Blinded by the facts...
You didn't see me leave.

----------------------------------

Stanza 1:

Just added punctuation to control the pacing

Stanza 2:

This is an accusation. I think it needs to be stronger and reflect judgment.

Stanza 3:

Although I like the imagery of a Gordian knot, its usage was unclear. I attributed it to the doctor in question and juxtaposed it with a reference that supported the sarcasm in the stanza.

Stanza 4

End of line punctuation

Stanza 5

End of line punctuation

Overall I believe this is a solid effort and blends the nautical references into the medical world quite well.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

the in-depth critique and opinion. I am impressed with the accuracy of your analyisis. Yes, I am writing of a particular incident, and I agree, that it is an accusation of incompetence. I like the changes that you have suggested. The Gordian knot does indeed, refer to the doctors. I have seen a number of different doctors during the past decade, and although they all have requested,[and as far as I know recieved] my charts from the different E.R.'s, private practices, and health clinics; they either have not read, or have discounted the information contained there-in. Thus my assumption of their unassailed intellect. [They know better than everyone else], how to fix my problems.

The dull sword of my ineptitude, [not doing as they prescribed;
because I didn't know what was good for me

Blinded by the facts...
You didn't see me leave.
I was refering to: While they saw that my oxygen levels were not what they were supposed to be,
they didn't undertstand that I had finally figured out why. ~ Gee

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Well, this is where you and I diverge paths, Jonathan.

Not all poetry can be dissected to be understood, if it can, it doesn't have *layers* of understanding which is the *hallmark* if you will, of good poetry.

They're still dissecting Plath and Frost, etc. poems. If you understood every single reference and juxtaposition, metaphor, you'd have to be them. Not even them, because poetry comes through a willing channel--the poet. It's bigger than poems, it's bigger than the poet and often larger than life itself.

~A

Because poetry is not magic, it is just intent and attitude cast into words.

But that's OK. I can still enjoy it because it's pretty.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Are correct, in a manner of speaking. I will agree with Jon, that you can dissect and explain a poem. And with you, in your assertion that there is magic and mystery in poetry. While one might explain away the skill of a poet in being able to connect with his/her audience, as them being a product of their environment: Schooling and such, there is also the aspect of all the right componets coming together at the right time and place. Jon says: he believes in certain things, just because they comfort him. That is magic! To me, magic is something that is beyond reasonable explanation, it just is! I never thought that a philosophic conversation would develop from a discussion on a poem about doctor's egos! That is magic! LOL Thank you both, for the great comments and opinions, ~ Gee

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Poetry may not be magic, Jonathan, but life is. And when a poet or any artist touches that magic,
you'll think it more than *pretty*. But then again, I could be wrong since you are you and I am me. And for me magic is never lost, it's always discovered, *found* like poetry.

~A

p.s. I am pleased to come back to this poem Sir Gee. Thank you for finding it in your heart.

And it may be our brain wiring but to me there is no magic.

There are things that are undefined but they are not magic, just undefined. And I'm good with that because I do not need to assign meaning to things in order to appreciate them, I can just appreciate them "because."

The problem I have found with "magic" is that people get disenchanted at one point and feel betrayed and their reactions at this point are rarely pleasant.

But we can disagree.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Lol. Jonathan, you may be oblivious to the mystery & the magic of life itself because everything is pre-ordained & designed in your world by the fingers of your mind. Your poems are dissected and explained, along with your motivations. That by itself is not a bad thing as a teaching tool, however when life is held without meaning, there could be no sense of enchantment/disenchantment or loyalty/ betrayal.

Makes for a pretty bleak and dull world imo. Appreciation and gratitude is not a bad thing, and it's always a beginning for another level of *experience*. You've had orgasms, right, not all orgasms are the same, and not all orgasms reach the level of the last best one. However, we don't stop having them just because...

~A

Seriously Anna, merely because we disagree on the subject of magic does not mean I believe everything is cut and dried because this is not a competition, it's merely opinion.

As far as my world is concerned, I am perplexed how you can view it as bleak and dull. Then again, you are probably perplexed that I find your concept of the world one of unintelligible noise.

To you "magic" appears to be good in some special way. To me "magic" is the equivalent of ceding thought and is a pretense of understanding with and overlay of arrogance.

As a person of faith, I hold some beliefs without proof. I can't explain in black and white why I hold these beliefs but I can communicate to others a sufficient motivation. Instead of telling people my faith is held because it was revealed to me the world is a vast and amazing place and these revelations touched me to my core and have convinced me of their benefit and worth, I tell people that I hold my beliefs because they comfort me.

We all understand comfort, so you can disagree with me without the need to judge me. You can do it but I cannot control if you will do it.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Seriously Jonathan, if you're selling I'll buy it, if you get my meaning. See what I mean?

And I did NOT say your world is dull and bleak... Nor have I judged you, to the best of my recollection... I thought we were having a conversation in which we agreed to disagree.

Maybe I was wrong.

~A

I read through your comments and was horrified that you were over medicated! This has happened to me before and it was a terrible experience. What is it about Dr.'s that they can't admit to their own mistakes? Is it arrogance and a God complex?

"To do no harm" is also the Wiccan creedo.

I have no suggestions and I enjoyed this read.

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

to confront the Drs. about this, because I haven't been to my next appt. but I am going to ask each of them, why I was overmedicated, and tell them of the problems I encountered because of it. I have had the problems with my colitis, for around five years now, and it's a wonder that there hasn't been any permanet damage done, either to my lungs or bowels. From now on, I am going to make sure that I question everything the Drs. do! Thanks for the read, and I am glad you enjoyed it. ~ Gee

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What a poem. I loved every word of it. I wouldn't change a thing. You are truly a wordsmith.
I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for that wonderful read.

Pixee

Pixee. I am delighted to have such a fan as you. Although I may not comment on everything you write, I always read it. I love the emotions you elicit in me. They are very honest, and I do believe that you will make your mark as a good poet. You need to learn more about stringing your thoughts together, to make your work a little smoother, but I know that with practice, you will get better at it. Keep writing, and never take offense when someone offers criticism. Some may be a bit more brutal than others, but you have the right attitude. ~ Geezer

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the Gordian knot secure Damocles' sword,
then we are in a real pickle.
Often the complexities of life and relationships
entangles us in an inextricable bind.
A sword, regardless of the sharpness of its
cutting edge, will thus prove useful.
Quite an interesting read.

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

was dull, but even so, I managed to saw through the knot, and clear the path. Thank you, glad I held your interest.

I have terminal Peter Pan Syndrome. ~ Never going to grow up, 'till the day I die. ~ Gee

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Skipped over comments so as not to influence my guess. Seems a hippocrit took the Hippocratic oath then decided he was a god. Of course this led to his making a surgical mistake(possibly intestinal-gordian knot). Too many doctors think themselves infallible........................scribbler

a surgical mistake, but one of overmedicating. I was given prescriptions and breathing treatments without them looking at what prescriptions and treatments were given me by other doctors. The information was right at their fingertips, in the form of abstracts from the E.R., private practice, and my charts at the health clinic, but they chose not to look at it. I guess they must have thought it was a game of who is the best diagnostician? "Blinded by the facts, they didn't see me leave." [They only saw that I was having difficulty in breathing, [ I was having trouble because of being over medicated, and I lost faith in all of the doctors.] But, yes... you did get the idea. The Gordian knot represented the morass of their supposed superior knowledge. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Gee

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When I read this poem it reminded me of an article that I read about U.S. doctors performing medical experiments on people here in the U.S. and over in other countries. I've already read your explanation for it and all I have to say is - wow. Very scary - I'm glad you had the sense to detect their error!

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Is by and large, composed of very competent people, who really do have the patients interest at heart. There are those however, that feel that they are better educated, and socially above the majority of the people they treat. They usually work at clinics, and health care facilities that cater to the economically-challenged. Thanks for the read, and comments, ~ Gee

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I missed the hippocratic oath bit completely and had a very different take on this as i read it.

I read it as directed at someone who has a huge and inflated opinion of himself, perhaps a poet, who claims to be helping others but is in fact not:

"Your unassailable intellect led you to believe
that you were my savior....

By believing in your own divinity
You failed to uphold your oath.
You did harm..."

and how you finally gave him the slip....

"Disguised as an uneducated wretch
I passed through your kingdom.

Blinded by the facts...
You didn't see me leave."

LOL!

Psyve

(P.S. : Glad to read you are feeling better now, tho...)

this might be applied to many different professions, and areas of expertise. There are many who think that because they have degrees and certificates issued by the so-called higher learning institutes, that they are the last word in their field, and therefore "you" not being schooled and learned in that area, don't know what you are talking about. I had one P.A. tell me, it shouldn't make any difference that I was taking meds. that cause constipation, when I questioned him about it. [ I had read the insert that came in the prescription, saying that it was a danger.] "That is just something that they have to say." he said. I'm sure that there are washing-machine repairmen who think that you don't know how to replace a switch, because you were not trained to do that, or fry-cooks at Mc Donald's who think you don't know how to flip a burger at the proper time, if you didn't take the training session. LOL Thanks for the read and good wishes, ~ Gee

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defying Asimov's First Law of Robotics "A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm."

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

for another poem that I needed and came across this one and the comments that it elicited, intrigued me to the point that I followed them to the last. Yours' happened to be the very last one and I realized that I hadn't replied to it. I thought that your comment was very interesting and thought that it might make a good poem. It's an idea that I'm going to write down! Wait a minute! I did write one of a like nature; the poem is called "Our Father's Keeper", and you were the only one to comment! Lol

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Let's both have a go at writing a poem to that title sometime, eh mate?

Looking again at the revisions to "Our Father's Keeper..."
( https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/our-fathers-keeper )
That last line change really, subtly empowers the whole poem, making it haunting and scary. Bloody well done!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

it was exactly as I wanted!
~ Gee.
.

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