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The Wounds Of A Friend
She was as effervescently complicated
As a bottle of cheap, pink, sparkling wine.
But, if eyes are windows of the soul,
Her vacant orbs told a tragic story.
I was often vaporized in her endless agendas,
Left behind in her angry, dust storms,
Spun furiously in her lethal tornadoes,
And burned completely, by her acid rains.
No one was exempt
From her pious arrogance
That had bought a home
Behind her cold eyes.
Flowers wilted in her path.
The moon lost its glow.
The sun buried itself behind dark clouds,
And, the day turned into night.
Though, I escaped her fermented grasp,
Her claw marks left deep gouges in my heart,
And etched cavernous wounds in my soul
That only time could heal,
And it did,
And, this is my revenge.
2 ~ 2011
Last few words:
Please feel free to critique:)))
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-02-21 14:28
Actually she sounds great to me
a woman who takes shit from n0-one. Destructive, mean, but protecting herself in a mans world.
My only suggestion is give her a bit of credit for it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wolfycat
Sat, 2015-01-03 10:48
greetings
Thank you for your input.
Being vulnerable can be a frightening thing.
Wolfycat
I forgot my old signature so this one will have to do for a while!
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2011-02-21 15:36
In order...
to let this flow a little bit better, I offer a few little changes. You might say:
And [seriously] burned by her acid rains
No one was exempt from [the] pious arrogance
that had bought a home behind her cold eyes
And day turned into night
Though I escaped her [tormenting] grasp
Her claws left deep gouges in my heart
And [slashed] cavernous wounds in my soul. [etched] seems to say just superficial
That only time would heal
It has...
This is my revenge
Just suggestions... ~ Geezer
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wolfycat
Sat, 2015-01-03 10:46
greetings
Thank you for your suggestions!
I appreciate your time.
Wolfycat
I forgot my old signature so this one will have to do for a while!
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2011-02-25 11:02
I was often vaporized in her
I was often vaporized in her endless agendas,
Left behind in her angry, dust storms,
Spun furiously in her lethal tornadoes,
And burned completely, by her acid rains.
and...
Though, I escaped her fermented grasp,
Her claw marks left deep gouges in my heart,
And etched cavernous wounds in my soul
That only time could heal,
WOW! it sounds like you knew my mother (and I use the term loosely!) This is the way to pen your rage... so eloquently. I have no suggestions.
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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wolfycat
Sat, 2015-01-03 10:45
greetings
It's great to be back.
Cat, I'm so sorry you had to go through this.
Thank you for reading.
Wolfycat
I forgot my old signature so this one will have to do for a while!
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2015-01-05 08:22
Great to see you Wolfy
you have been truly missed.
Got any new work?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry