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Birthday! (tomboy)
Mother, O' mother
what have you done?
Turned your youngest daughter
into a son!
Conceived in the dark
of a closet room
forever cursed with
the mark of doom.
Child unwanted,
mother's remorse
dejected father
steers a new course.
She-male baby
unloved as a lass
bitter and sharp
as underfoot glass.
Child always told
she was father's lament,
lies from the mother
resentfully spent.
Twisted and bent
lost child grew
in the shadow of siblings
who poisoned the brew.
Soon this branched
to a dark twisted tree
destroying the remnants
of all female debris.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I'm not so sure that this piece is finished. It is a rough draft. i don't know how to state that the seeds of the alter ego were there at an early age. (But it took something much more horrendous to actually give birth to eddy styx. That will come in yet another poem.)
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
Comments
Candlewitch
Sat, 2011-02-19 08:41
Dear Jayne,
Thank you for the suggestion which I have implemented. I knew you'd relate to this piece. How are you feeling? I think about you often. Please let me know when your book is available for purchasing.
love, Cat
*
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author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2011-02-22 10:23
Dear Jayne,
Yup! Still in the same place. Now I'm getting excited! Can't hardly wait for the delivery!
love, Cat
*
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author commentCandlewitch
Sat, 2011-02-19 08:52
Hi Shirl,
Thanks for letting me know the part which you enjoyed. Parents can damage their children in their disappointment over the sex of the little one. It can be a lifelong stigma. Thanks for the birthday wishes! I Steve took the day off work and took me out to lunch. I had three margarita's with my meal. The poem came to me on my way home. Today I will send you a copy of "The Book of Styx."
love, Cat
*
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author commentKINGZOMBIE
Fri, 2011-02-18 18:32
My mind is blown
I am speechless, its a great write and I am happy to be reading your work once more.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
Candlewitch
Sat, 2011-02-19 08:55
Hello Kingzombie!
So nice to see you again, I'm so glad you have found me!
always, Cat
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author commentCandlewitch
Sat, 2011-02-19 09:02
Dear Bee.
I very much liked your suggestion, I think the piece is better for it. Thank you very much!
always, Cat
*
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author commentKailashana2
Fri, 2011-02-18 19:17
Hmmmm. Reminds me of many
Hmmmm. Reminds me of many things, both real and surreal.
Interesting to see that this is the education of Eddie and his further evolution.
~A
Candlewitch
Sat, 2011-02-19 09:08
Dear Anna,
Glad to have sparked your imagination. Yes, it is my mother's wanting to have a boy for my father which were eddy's seeds. I didn't learn until much later that my father was quite happy with his last girl who became his shadow.
always, Cat
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author commentpleiades
Fri, 2011-02-18 19:54
an interesting write
an interesting write
rhyme and rhythm propel this along quite easily,
and the dark edge is not at all over-the-top, as to
seem forced
it reads very smoothly actually, as if the words
came easily
a bit of a squirmy subject, when you look at
the far-reaching implications of such a birth
and upbringing
only hic-up for me, was a wee one...
last 4 lines...
reads smoother to me, as something like
"This branch would soon grow
to a dark twisted tree
destroying the remnants
of all female debris".
just fiddled with the order of the first line...seemed to roll
off the tongue easier
shortened lines 2 and 4 by one syllable each...reads smoother
into ~to
feminine ~ female
late thought...
"destroying all remnants
of female debris"
cheers
p
Candlewitch
Sat, 2011-02-19 09:15
Dear P.
Actually, the words came very easily, the just tumbled right out of my head! The hard part was waiting to get home to get them down on paper. thank you for your suggestion, I have changed "feminine" to "female".
always, cat
*
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author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2011-02-24 11:32
Dear P.
I just got around to making the changes you suggested. Thank you for your suggestions!
always, Cat
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author commentwolfycat
Fri, 2011-02-18 22:45
Hello:)
This one is oh, so painful. I agree about breaking it up into stanzas, otherwise, a very strong read.
kind regards,
wolfycat
I forgot my old signature so this one will have to do for a while!
Candlewitch
Sat, 2011-02-19 09:18
Hello Wolfycat!
What a pleasant surprise to see you!!! Thanks, so much. I have broken it into stanzas and I am pleased with the results. How are you doing?
love, Cat
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author commentlou
Fri, 2011-02-18 22:54
Cat
This reminded me of the Tim Burton film, Edward Scissor Hands. I cant see anything, I would change,
Much love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Candlewitch
Sat, 2011-02-19 09:21
Dear Lou,
Edward Scisorhands... that is quite a compliment :)
love, Cat
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author commentGeezer
Sat, 2011-02-19 02:12
Just letting...
you know, that you did a good job at letting the world know, how much it hurts to be rejected for being who you are. Your rhythm and pattern worked well for the most part, and "pleaides" tweaks were right on the money. ~ love ya, ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Sat, 2011-02-19 09:24
Dear Sir Gee,
this started out as a rough draft, and with all the help of the readers, I am pleased with what it has turned into. Thanks for the thumbs up!
love, Cat
*
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author commentHooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-02-19 16:47
Cat
Cat,
I had been thinking about this piece, since you told me about it's existence and where you were at the time of thinking up the lines and stanza's.
I have seen that from the comments already made above have already tightened it up.
Will this be included in Styx II along with 'the birth of...'? They would work well together making a great introduction (maybe 'great' isn't the right word since the subject matter can't be considered as great for obvious reasons)
I am not convinced yet if it should rhyme...it is rhymed perfectly well, but I just wonder if it would have more impact written in an Eddy Styx, non-rhyming style. I am not sure, let me think about it.
Favourite/strongest stanza:
Conceived in the dark
of a closet room
forever cursed with
the mark of doom
the 'mark of doom' is very powerful in the context of the subject matter.
Regards,
HS
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Candlewitch
Thu, 2011-02-24 10:31
Dear Rosi,
I have never liked my birthday because too many bad things have happened for me on this day. I usually breathe a sigh of relief the day after. This year was a milestone birthday and I had a lot of trouble getting through it, getting older shock, lol! Thanks for reading and commenting.
love, Cat
*
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author commentraj
Tue, 2011-02-22 14:08
Dear Cat..
i am no expert critic like many before me...for me the writes from the likes of you Seren Anna...Dan..Stan...and many of friends made here ...are like lessons...like this one too...
love..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Candlewitch
Thu, 2011-02-24 10:34
Dear raj,
Expert critic or no, your comments and suggestions are always welcome here. Thanks for reading :)
love, Cat
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author commentPixee
Fri, 2011-02-25 11:41
Hello Candlewitch
This poem has a strong feeling to it. It took my heart. You have a great way with words. I thank you for this entry. You are a wordsmith. Keep writing my friend. Read you later.
Quote: Poetry is the living soul of the writer.
by Pixee
Cheers,
Pixee
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-02-25 11:53
Thank you, Pixee! I had a lot
Thank you, Pixee! I had a lot of good suggestions on this one to help me. By the way, it is very nice to meet you!
always, Cat
*
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