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Life's Uncertainties

Submitted by raj on Wed, 2011-02-16 13:52

In a pack of cards
clubs spades diamonds and hearts
wait with baited breath

Lady luck arrives
to shuffle them upside down
keeping her secrets

Kings may lose their heart
Queens might shed their diamonds,
Clubs spades are laid down

What Fate may hand out
is as mysterious as
life's uncertainties

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
A string of Haikus
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-02-16 15:39

A juicy string it is...!

Love how you thought of it and then created each suit a suit into form, never forgetting lady luck and fate!

Way to go Raj!

~A

p.s. however they may be more closely related to a senryu.

;-)

raj

Wed, 2011-02-16 22:17

thank you for visiting this page and your comment...i will neeed to look up what Senryu form is like...thanks for the tip...

you have rightly said that i have a way to go...i keep trying to improvise..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

raj

Thu, 2011-02-17 13:07

i hadn't done a Haiku for a few years...good to know that it has come out well...

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

mand

Wed, 2011-02-16 15:53

mand's picture
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This is very clever - and so true.

Kings may lose their heart
Queens might shed precious diamonds,
Clubs spades are laid down

What Fate may hand out
is as mysterious as
life's uncertainties.

I've learn't something new today - I didn't know that a senryu or haiku could have more than one stanza.

You have done a great job - I'm very impressed.

Love Mand xxxxxx

raj

Thu, 2011-02-17 13:10

thank you for your time to visit this page and leave an appreciative comment...once i got through the first haiku i sort of got caught on a wave and built onto it..

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

raj

Thu, 2011-02-17 13:11

HeHeHe Bee...i liked the humorous twist you gave to this one..happy to klnow you liked it...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

loved

Wed, 2011-02-16 16:49

loved's picture

haikuists
to write a poem in haiku
the second time i read yours
i found u had beaten me in my thought
as always
raj but this line always foxes me

with a baited breath

loved

raj

Thu, 2011-02-17 13:12

thank you for your comment...

tell me what foxes you about the line "with a baited breath"..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

loved

Thu, 2011-02-17 17:17

loved's picture

when to use which one ?
is what often foxes me
held with abated breath
or
held by a baited breath

i went to the dcictionary
so there is just a subtle difference
poets may how ever ignore .
and ur english is far superb
as compared to mine

loved

raj

Thu, 2011-02-17 13:15

thank you for your time and leaving an appreciative comment..at the time i came up with this one as a string of Haikus i didnt know it is called a Senryu until Anna mentioned it in her comment..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

raj

Thu, 2011-02-17 13:17

thank you for your comment...i am no expert but i worked on this one and feels good to know that it is being appreciated...

much love always..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-17 15:46

Hooded Stranger's picture

Raj,

great theme and use of Haiku.

One issue, 'Diamonds' is three syllables?

but do not worry my friend:

In a pack of cards
Clubs, spades, diamonds and hearts
wait with baited breath

Kings may lose their heart
Queens might shed their diamonds,
Clubs spades are laid down

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

raj

Thu, 2011-02-17 22:29

i tried to read out the word diamonds aloud a couple of times and counted..it sounds like two syllables to me...is there a way to find out the syllable count?..

thanks for looking at my write more closely and for your comment...which is appreciated...

regards

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-02-18 12:41

Hooded Stranger's picture

Raj,

you can always use:

http://www.howmanysyllables.com/hms/words/

I didn't mean to pick holes in your work my friend, but at least the little tweaks make them proper haiku without losing the theme of your writes.

regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

raj

Fri, 2011-02-18 14:29

ofcourse I know your good intentions..thanks for the link...you are so resourceful and helpful...much appreciated..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

raj

Fri, 2011-02-18 14:32

thanks to you..i am getting the edit done to make the two verses conform to 5-7-5...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-02-18 14:37

Hooded Stranger's picture

Raj,

were these any good?

In a pack of cards
Clubs, spades, diamonds and hearts
wait with baited breath

Kings may lose their heart
Queens might shed their diamonds,
Clubs spades are laid down

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

raj

Fri, 2011-02-18 14:41

yes ofcourse...i already got them done and uploaded here..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-02-18 14:48

Hooded Stranger's picture

raj,

looks good to me.

regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

raj

Sat, 2011-02-19 14:26

good to know you liked it....

much love always....

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Kailashana2

Sat, 2011-02-19 13:23

Raj

The American slang is *Way to go! Which means great!

also, haiku need not be a perfect 5-7-5- it could be haikuesque (many of mine are) or
like the true masters... Basho,. Issa, Buson, Shiki....Made mention of this site on another poem

http://haikuguy.com/issa/abouthaiku.html

http://haikuguy.com/issa/search1.php?keywords=cow&year=

You can also access the 10001 Issa poems, by hitting refresh on that page.

,

raj

Sat, 2011-02-19 14:28

thank you for the links..i will visit those sites on sunday....

love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Sat, 2011-02-19 15:40

Hooded Stranger's picture

Anna,

I wasn't aware that Haiku doesn't have to be a perfect 5-7-5. Does it still have to have 17 syllables?

Off to check out your links too.

Thanks

HS

ps. sorry Raj, if I have been too strict with my Haiku rules!

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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