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A Friend In Me

Submitted by Timbo on Wed, 2011-02-16 07:03

I see a loneliness in your eyes
and I don’t know what to do
I know you’d like to be different
but then you wouldn’t be you.
You just want to be the same
as your friend’s appear to be
but you need never feel alone
when you have a friend in me.

Sometimes when we’re together
I see the sunshine in your face
then something takes your mind
to a different and darker place.
Perhaps I say something wrong
or maybe it’s other things too
but if you talk to me, I will listen
and bring the sunlight back to you.

It’s not easy at eight years old
to have worries like you do
you feel different to all of us
but mostly we’re just like you.
So don’t you hide from your life
just live it the best you can do
and if I’m near, let my smile
find the happiness there in you.

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Last few words:

This is a poem for my granddaughter Bethan, who finds life difficult at times as she has Asperges Syndrome, which is a form of autism.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

ziggy

Wed, 2011-02-16 17:33

hi there

a reaching out to someone dear to your heart
shines through this, my only crit is the punctuation
a full stop every other line but maybe that's how you want it
my fav lines are "I see a loneliness in your eyes
and I don’t know what to do.
I know you’d like to be different
but then you wouldn’t be you." ,,,,,,,,,,,,ziggy

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Timbo

Thu, 2011-02-17 03:53

Thanks Ziggy and I hear what

Thanks Ziggy and I hear what you say. Also I will be changing the title because from my granddaughters point of view I think 'different' might not be suitable.
Tim

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2011-02-16 20:51

I totally agree..

About the stops. I think that it would flow much better without them. The line: " Just live it the best you can do." Seems a little forced, but all in all, I thought it very well thought out, with the limited options you gave yourself by using the words [ you, do, and all the ooo sounds]. One suggestion might be to try and make use of the word [ view ]. It does fit with the thought [of hiding from your life]. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Timbo

Thu, 2011-02-17 04:56

Thanks Geezer, Hmm, I see

Thanks Geezer, Hmm, I see what you mean, must admit I was very aware of the repition of the you, do, etc.
but did't want to change the flow too much. Better give it a bit more thought me thinks!
Many thanks Tim

author comment

Timbo

Thu, 2011-02-17 04:18

Good morning Shirl and thanks

Good morning Shirl and thanks for commenting. I have now changed the punctuation a bit and the title is now ' A friend in me' which I hope is less invasive for Bethan and sounds better?
Life is very difficult for her sometimes and for those trying to help her, but she does cope with some things quite well, such as school fortunately and has a talent for music it seems. She is leaning Piano at the moment.
take care,
Tim

author comment

Kailashana2

Thu, 2011-02-17 06:32

Give Bethan a hug from me,

Give Bethan a hug from me, Tim. I was reading this and was carried away by its simple & sweet honesty until I read your remarks. It then took on new meaning.

It's a gift we adults, parents and grandparents give our children in reminding them they are not alone no matter how alone they might feel. Heck we all need to feel connected.

Timbo

Thu, 2011-02-17 11:35