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Paradise Lost

How delicate paradise was
Balanced on the scales of human desire
Just a frailty away from chaos.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like your title as it further adds to the piece. Masterful usage of the language which is a must for a short piece such as this! For me, it invokes images and memories of the eroding and destruction of many things. The topic is thought invoking.

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Thank you for reading and for your observations. It doesn't take much to topple paradise - ( paradise being in the eye of the beholder ). Your comments are spot on.

Thanks Cat. I wondered it I should swop frailty and desire around. I'll wait and see.

Thanks again.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

I hope you're o.k! Good of you to read and comment. Good to see and hear from you. Thanks for your input.

Loads of Love

Mand xxxxxxxxx

author comment

Sooo good to see you. Tis true, our desires can lead us anywhere!

It's an awe inspiring thought that a single decision can change the course of history ( either for ourselves or for the world ). eg wars etc

Sometimes we don't know what we've got till it's gone or the grass is greener on the other side.

Ah well that's enough philosophising for today.Lol

Thanks for reading and commenting Shirl

Loads of Love

Mand xxxxxx

author comment

Thank you for readind, commenting and your encouragement - I really do appreciate it.

Love Mand xxxxxxxxx

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Oh just as if paradise was snow crystals
balanced one on top of another,
frail yet beautiful
vanished in the sun
man's dilemma.

Mand's dilemma, no, this is as
Candlewitch says, thought provoking.

Love as aye Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Your words are inspiring, paradise is like delicate snow crystals frail yet beautiful, vanished in the sun.

All things have to be in balance to accomplish paradise ie. physical, mental, spiritual. If any one of those are out of balance paradise is lost! - that's the essence of what I was getting at, but it's only the way I see it.

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts Ann.

Love Mand xxxxxxx

Keep safe

author comment

so concise and solid!

vexations

Kind of you to read and comment.

Love Mand xxxxx

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the shortest western classic I've read but wonderful nonetheless...............stan

I'm not sure what kind of poem this is. Lol It's to long for a Haiku and to short for anything else. Perhaps it's just a meandering thought.

Thanks Stan, kind of you to read and comment.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

Nice to see you!

When I wrote this I was thinking of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden

They where given a paradise home to live in that served their every need ( physcial, mental, spiritual ).

Despite everything they where given they wanted more - they wanted independance from God - the power to decide for themselves what was good and what was bad. God allowed them that choice ( temporarily ). The result has been that "man has dominated man to his injury". Suffering, pain and death have reigned ever since that time.

It occured to me that it only took a human frailty ( the desire to having something that wasn't their right to have ) to destroy paradise.

I hope this explaination helps in understanding the last verse.

Thanks for reading and commenting Amalzamani, I hope you are o.k

Love Mand xxxxxxxx

author comment

Nice to meet you, Yes! that's good, I see you've got the gist of the poem.

It's the reason why they took the fruit that interested me and how paradise was so delicately balanced - based on their desire.

To me it was Adam and Eve's frailty ( weakness ) that lost paradise.
Eve's weakness being her desire for power. Adams weakness being he didn't want to loose Eve. ( only my opinion )

( The fruit representing God's right to decided what is right and what is wrong ).

But I see your point and I'm glad you got the gist of the poem and I'm glad for your comment.

So a Big Thank you from me to you.

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

Perfection

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I like your humour as well as your honesty.

Thanks Lou

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

Phew!! i loved your take on Paradise..a very nice perception..

i used to do a lot of Haikus on poetry.com ..which used to be a five-seve-five syllable sequence...now i believe new versions of Haiku have no such restrictions and i believe are more like a free form three line verse..is that so?...

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Nice to hear from you. I hope you are o.k.

This poem seemed to just happen - I didn't create it to be a Haiku or follow any sort of style. I don't know much about Haiku's except that, like you say, it follows a five-seven-five syllable. There are other styles - I'm not sure what the rules are, though I hope you're right in saying that there are no restrictions and it's more like a free form three line verse.

( sorry I'm not being very helpful ). I'll try and remember to look it up on the internet tomorrow.

It is my hope that one day ( with God's blessing ) the earth will be a place of peace, harmony and plenty for everyone.

I'm glad you liked the poem and thank you for reading and commenting Raj.

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

Looked up some information about Haiku's on Wikipedia and other sources, here's what I found.

"While haiku in English often appear in three lines to parallel the three phrases of Japanese haiku and may deal with any subject matter."

Many sources cite. 5-7-5 syllable count is not a rigid requirement.

The 5/7/5 rule for haiku in English is just an approximation of the rule for traditional Japanese haiku. The Japanese language and the English language are so different that it doesn't really make sense to talk about "syllable count" in a Japanese poem the same way you would use that term about an English poem.

There is alot of information about haiku's on line. It seems that 5/7/5 is the norm but it's not a hard and fast rule.

Hope this is helpful

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

I find it hard to get past the idea of original sin. To live in a state of not knowing. A being in Adam or Eve without the understanding of good or evil. They were perfect innocents until they ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. How can you be culpable if you have no concept of good and evil. The result of this human frailty has by many cultures appeared to fall square on the shoulders of women, the cause of death or devil's gateway. That Adam out of some uxorious compassion toward Eve ate the fruit aswell, because he could not bare to lose her. If they were perfect innocence before eating the fruit they could not be culpable. The supposed moral seems to be to remain innocent, or to live a natural life. Most what we call sins I think are sins of frailty, things we fall into, or decisions we make because we are frail, imperfect beings. The rarer kind is something else. God is a father, a parent figure. A parent will forgive their children anything. This truth can be perverted. Perhaps even calling it a truth would not be something God would be happy with. We cannot live completely innocent, but it is work to remain as innocent as we can in a dirtry world.

Sorry for the waffle. But your poem evoked these thoughts. An interesting write, thanks for sharing.

John

I enjoyed reading your comments and your line of reasoning. True to say Adam and Eve had no understanding of good or evil it wasn’t until they ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge that their eyes where opened and they lost paradise.

Looking at the account, the scenario is that God told Adam he could eat from all the trees in the garden of Eden except the tree of knowledge of good and bad.

The tree was a symbol of God’s sovereignty - his right to decide what is right and what is wrong. God said that if they touched the tree “they would positively die.”
In taking from the tree Adam and Eve took/stole something that didn’t belong to them, so they could no longer be trusted and by their actions they showed that they no longer trusted God - they believed God to be a liar - that He was withholding something from them.

God carried out the stipulated punishment, they died an instant spiritual death ( they no longer had an intimate relationship with him ), Physical death followed.

So through no fault of our own we have inherited imperfection and death from them.

Thank you for reading and commenting Dalton, it's quite a big subject to talk about because new questions start popping up.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

Perhaps the fraiity lies in humans to think that there's ever been any separation from God.
How could God be separate from creation? Just a thought away...

Cool poem.

~A

I think you are spot on! and I am going to change it right away. Thank you Anna, I knew that "frailty" wasn't quite right, you confirmed it for me.

Kind of you to let me know!

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

I see you have changed the last line of your poem. I felt frailty was closer to the mark than thought, a word which is more ambiguous than your original phrasing. I liked it better before.

John

How about frail thought? if not I'll return it to frailty.

Love Mand xxx

P.s thanks for your help

author comment

But it does taste better!!

Mand xxxxx

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Ha ha! I like pineapples to, though banana's would be good!

Nice to hear from you.

Sorry, slightly late reply - better late than never.

Love Mand xxxxx

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I've read some of Miltons work! I'm glad he would have approved.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Love Mand xxxxxxxxx

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I read this little poem from an entirely different viewpoint.
From the viewpoint of one living in a quiet place, another little Eden, rocked by sudden violence...

Indeed:
"How delicate paradise was
Balanced on the scales of human desire
Just a frailty away from chaos."

Psyve

Good observation! it can be taken that way - even within our own walls.

Thanks Psyve for reading and commenting.

Love Mand xxxxxxxx

author comment
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