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So What?

So what
if my heart
is killing me by inches,
so what
if coronary arteries
are slowly squeezing,
so what
if pain writhes
exquisite through my chest
when I am tired,

I am already dead,

so what the rest of you all dread
I have embraced,
what you fear is now my
intimate companion,
what you see as final ending
is my new beginning,
each and every day.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I need some opinion here. Does the "So What" thing work, or not?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I believe that this is the first time I have seen a serious critique from you concerning one of my poems!
Thank you very, very much for it.
I've thought about what you said, and while I disagree that all the "so whats" should be removed, I do agree that with some editing, this piece will be stronger and more focused.
So. take a look-see when I am finished editing it.
Once again, thank you very much!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I like the "so what" ... it works for me.

some of the lines seem too short

the rest of you all dread
that all the rest of you dread (maybe)

you see as final ending (a final or the final) (maybe?)

and one could be shortened
"your fear is my companion" ... (another maybe)

great message, loved the ending

glad to see you

Richard

thanks for taking the time, my friend. Yes, I like the "so what" in the first part, but I'm going to try an edit for the second, to see if it gets better.

"you see as final ending"...yes, I agree, that line is better, thank you.

Thanks again, glad you enjoyed this.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

LOL Hey, thanks man, I appreciate it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Glad that you enjoyed this. The question mark is a good idea, I'll do it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Four different people giving me four differet sets of advice, and all of it worth listening to.
So, I compromised, leaving the first stanza intact, and changing the second.

and of course, Rosie's idea for the title.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I like the 2 different ways you use so what Have you considered alternating the uses instead of dividing poem by them ?............................scribbler

Yeah, I did try that, but the meanings seemed diluted somehow, as if by splitting and alternating the two ways I had confused the issue.
Do me a favor, would you? Look at revisions, at the original, and give me your opinion of that too.

Thanks

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

the revision works better for me as it doesn't run the phrase into the ground...........................stan

Yeah, I like it better too, it's not so in-your-face.
I'm going to leave it as is now too, as I think putting another "so what" on the end would change the entire meaning of the piece.
Thanks for your help Stan, it is always welcome!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

LoL I like the quote.
I have been through every emotion imaginable, dealing with this disease, but in the end, the implications of the quote hold true - don't tempt me with falsehoods and promises of cure and treatment, for desperation has led me to "I don't care, I'm going to live the rest of it the way I want"!
heehee.

You know Amal, I do like the second part better as one stanza, so I think I'll change it back, But I don't want to put that "so what" on the end, because I want the piece to end on a note of hope, and the knowlegde that, even with my attitude, I still care about whatever future I have left.

Thanks for your opinion, Amal, it means a lot to me.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Anna applauses not only for Jim's poem, but for the *workshop*. Just like this.

Thank you.

~A

To quote one of your own posts..."YES, YES, YES!!!!"

In the end, through all the arguments and bickering, THIS is what we are all about here, poetry, and editing, opinion and critique, and improving our skills.

Thanks Ohio Lady

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I thought the changed use of "so what" in the second verse was clever.

I thought this whole little piece was well written and brings an interesting perspective on how we perceive ourselves and our problems.

As importantly, like yourself and Anna, I too am delighted by the 'workshop' this piece has generated.You've had good advice and while I have only seen the poem in its final form, I can see it has benifited from the workshop.

Thank you for sharing this one.

Psyve

Psyve, Darlin', click on *revisions*... on the menu across the poem. It will take you to all the revisions completed on the poem. Click on which ever two *comparisons* you want to see
to see the poem's *evolution*. There is 3 lines on this one. The original, the change and the change to the change. If you highlight, say the first *bubble* and the last one, click on *show difference*, you'll have the original content side by side with the last revision.

~Anna

Alas, I fear that I am somewhat technologically challanged.

Thank you for pointing this out....and for pointing THAT out.

:-)

P

Thanks man, I appreciate your opinion.
Like Anna says, you can see the original, and each revision, by clicking on Revisions, at the top. I often use it, to watch a poem's developement over time. it's a very useful tool, and under-utilized, I think.
Thanks again.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Thanks very much, glad that you enjoyed my poem.
Concerning "ending"...the original word was "end", and Richard pointed out that ending would be a better choice, mainly for the cadence and flow...at least, that's what I got out of his opinion and comment.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Yeah, i'm going to use some of what you suggest.

"hope you didn't mind".....LOL...stop asking for permission, woman, you know full well you don't require it, your opinion is always desired and wanted!

Glad you enjoyed this one, Jayne.

Rest, relax and get well!

<<large hugs>>

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

You should have told me you could not find it, you know I would have sent another copy right away!
I am flattered that you remembered, and even more flattered that this one would be one of those you take with you, when next you're off for treatment.
I've been waiting for you to finish this! I would like to post it, and the original, together when you are done, so folks can see both.

Big, big hugs Jayne, get well, Oz Lady!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Just a little side reference to *so what*.

My friend, Wilma, once had a sewing business. She had business cards that read *Sew what!*

I love words (more often than not).

~A

I loike that one, it's clever, and eye-catching. good for her.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

wonderfully dark and angry, my sort of poem, no way to improve it .

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Thanks Lou, glad you enjoyed it so much.
Sorry for the late reply - I'm on vacation, so I'm playing AO every day, lol, instead of once a week!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I loved it as it is, and your heading just draws attention....the poem as a whole is superb

Thank you very much for your kind comment.
Most of what skills I have as a poet, I learned here, at this site.
This particular poem is quite different from its original format; I edited it a couple of times before being satisfied with the results, largely because of the criticism I received for it, in terms of structure, wording and cadence.
Glad you enjoyed this one so much; it's good to see some of my older work getting comments!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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