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In a Corner of Heart of Sedona Coffee Shop

Corner curtains drawn
In Heart of Sedona shop
Eleven gather

Souls seek to render poems
Clangs of coffee cups compete
Carlo’s rough throat cracks

Foretells fresh goodwill
Surrounding mother nature
Snakes become our friends

Mokasiya scales
Red rock crowns of mesas
And dreams of love poems

About grasshopper
Chirps from long hind legs; insects
Eager for ardor

Marita recites
Endearments for Mom and Dad
And Tennessee walks

Woman’s inner child
Presented lyrics to sing
Struggles remembered

Should have shot her when
She corrupted her Father’s
Marriage sacrament

Gals want wholesome guys
Energy transmitted, vibes
Penetrate without a blink

Orgasmic Bach notes
Portrayed by young, lithesome hips
Wide-open, fearless

Becomes the motto
Inspires gradual climb
Toward deep confidence

Eleven gather
Souls share words from their souls
Open corner curtains

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
My attempt to use Haiku to describe the experience of a poetry reading in Sedona
Editing stage: 

Comments

I really appreciate your comments. I am not at all happy with this poem. For one thing. I think I will break with the Haiku. The form is too limiting and I tend to become too cryptic and readers miss the story. By the way, I love the Sandra Carey quote. so cool

vexations

author comment

Welcome back Stefan!

A clue to the content is posted in Stefan's *Last Few Words* comment field..

To wit: "My attempt to use Haiku to describe the experience of a poetry reading in Sedona"

However, not all the stanzas were 5-7-5 (standard Haiku).

Some years back I collected old *practice Haikus* from another site and randomly put them together. Guess what they made a song, of sorts.

Yours tells a story of a story.

~A

in free verse. I also fine more and more people going away from the standard Haiku 5-7-5 and not sure what that is about. I appreciate your comments and think that they might be a bit too kind. This needs work.

vexations

author comment

I see what you mean about our poems,yours however has a far more scholastic feel to it. Mine on the other hand is pictures of the mind, remembering scenes of the past. And then adding the perseptions of the time. However i will most certainly be reading your poems again. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

I thank you for your comment. I don’t think it is just that it is scholastic, but distorted. The poem needs revision.

vexations

author comment

First of all, please pardon my ignorance and inexperience. I have a few questions. Who is (or was) Mokasiya and Marita? Favorite verses:

Woman’s inner child
Presented lyrics to sing
Struggles remembered

Should have shot her when
She corrupted her Father’s
Marriage sacrament

I don't think that women "want" as much as they "need" wholesome guys. This from a two time loser with the bad boys. Finally found Mr. Wholesome, and he is my soul mate. This is an interesting read, but a little confusing as I feel it lacks some needed information.

Always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

in asking who these characters are. I was at a poetry reading group and these were names of people who contributed. I appreciate your comment because I do feel it is incomplete and I haven't gotten back to it to do something more with it. I do have a poem about "wholesome guys" and it was one I contributed to the reading. The second verse you likes was actually a country music tune and the lyrics went something like "If I'd a know her when I met her I'da shot her when I met her." I'll share with you "A Wholesome Guy"
Comments appreciated.

A Wholesome Guy

Each night she pretends
a wholesome guy
will shuffle alongside
on the sidewalk and
gently bump her shoulder.

Wholesome guy’s are
good in the morning
like high-fiber granola,
and easy on the eyes
with rumpled curls
resting against
eyes void of blood lines.

A wholesome fellow
knows what he wants −
her.

Her wholesome guy’s
adorned with blue denim
and passion spilling from
his crotch.

Her wholesome lover
lights candles on her birthday;
burns his way into her heart.

As they grow old together
she becomes his memory
while his memories are sprinkled
with pictures
of her beauty.

vexations

author comment

*claps hands with delight* Especially:

Her wholesome lover
lights candles on her birthday;
burns his way into her heart.

As they grow old together
she becomes his memory
while his memories are sprinkled
with pictures
of her beauty.

You have really captured the feelings and thoughts of my husband. (I showed him your poem to read and he picked out the lines!)

Thank you for this gift!

Always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

the two of you enjoyed the poem. I often read a poem I run across here to my wife.

vexations

author comment
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