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Colouring Mountains
Colouring Mountains
The child shrieks delight,
though her hand’s unsteady
placing brush to paper
see a Picasso colour splash,
change the pure white.
Shrieking again annoyed,
then happy as she,
understanding the brush.
will return, fully loaded.
With the beautiful coloured magic
to transform her paper bright.
Love expressed
by her colours,
watching her face
come alive with smiles.
Why couldn’t we see,
we’re part of her art..
That painting so easily alive
for her that beautiful night.
Colourful creations curving,
with her imagination aglow.
Laughter and messy hands,
giving such pleasure,
only Rembrandt’s freinds
would know.
Brought a collage to life,
in the light.
Watching the realisation,
she is a star,
holding her audience in yellow,
blue, green, red hands.
Loving her eyes to me,
grateful for the time spent,
colouring mountains.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
The pleasure children bring, just takes you away from this big bad world.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Fri, 2011-02-04 01:02
Thank you,
Thank you it is something special to see the child being the star.
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentRoscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-02-05 15:02
Thank you,
Thank you Rosi, for your support and your comments. Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentfaerybeki
Fri, 2011-02-04 19:16
I'm totally in tune with this
I'm totally in tune with this write, my 3 year old paints all the time, we've an easel in the kitchen :) your write is full of life and joy, you need a 'n' at the end of mountains in the main title, as I see it, and I'm not convinced your tenses match in the 2nd stanza but it might be how I'm reading it, tiny things and none of which took away from the pleasure I got when reading your poem, thank you, much love Beki xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-02-05 15:13
I have,
I have corrected the the title, and altered the second stanza. I had to agree when i read it a few more times. Please let me know what you think. Thank you Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentfaerybeki
Sun, 2011-02-06 07:46
Hi Roscoe, just got my
Hi Roscoe, just got my youngest off for a nap and the 3 year old painter I mentioned is with her Dad today, so I'm pleased to have a little time to revisit your poem. I enjoyed it even more upon a few more reads :) perhaps because it so reflects time in my own life :) there's still room here for an edit I think, so i you don't mind......
The child shrieks delight,
though her hand’s unsteady
placing brush to paper
a Picasso colour splash,
changes the pure white. (drop the 'see' and pluralise change?)
Shrieking again annoyed,
then happy is she,
understanding the brush
will return, fully loaded.
With the beautiful coloured magic
to transform her paper bright. (loose extra comma on 1st line and change as to is?)
Love expressed
by her colours,
watching her face
come alive with smiles.
Why couldn’t we see,
we’re part of her art..
That painting so easily alive
for her that beautiful night. (love this stanza, wouldn't touch it)
Colourful creations curving,
with her imagination aglow.
Laughter and messy hands,
giving such pleasure,
only Rembrandt’s friends
would know.
Brought a collage to life,
in the light. (misspelling of friends)
Watching the realisation,
she is a star,
holding her audience in yellow,
blue, green, red hands.
Loving her eyes to me,
grateful for the time spent,
colouring mountains. (love this stanza too!)
nitpicky little things I'm sure you'll agree :) maybe also look at how necessary all your punctuation is. Thank you for the opportunity to revisit this piece, still gives me such pleasure to read, much love Beki xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
Roscoe Lane
Sun, 2011-02-06 14:01
Again,
Again i agree and have made some changes, but i can't bring myself to remove the (see) in the first stanza. I feel this is the child inviting you to see her painting. If I can think of a better way i will revisit. Thank you for your help and comments, which i value very much. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentfaerybeki
Sun, 2011-02-06 14:09
Perhaps just a comma after
Perhaps just a comma after the 'see' then :) glad I could help, if only a little, much love Beki xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
Race_9togo
Fri, 2011-02-04 22:38
Hi Roscoe
You missed an "n" in the title.
imo...
The second stanza would be better, to me, as one single sentence.
I don't like the word "mates" in the fourth stanza, it does not seem to fit, for me. But then, I'm an uncouth american! lol.
I would change the word "was" to "is" in the last stanza, to make the ending immediate, and draw the audience into the scene so that they are a part of it, and not just observers.
And I really, really like the title.
As usual, most excellent poetry.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-02-05 15:10
I have made,
I have made some changes as was suggested, please let me know what you think. Thank you Regards Roscoe.
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author comment