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WHEN...........
When fire burns cold and gives no light
and noontime is as dark as night
and birds prefer to walk, not fly
and stars desert the clear night sky
When whippoorwills no longer sing
nor bullfrogs harrumph in the late spring
and fresh breezes no longer blow
and Everest is bare of snow
When rivers cease coursing to the sea
and politicians cease to disagree
and fishes forget how to swim
and quasars are considered dim
when cows decide they don't like grass
and reporters cease to be so crass
when the clear winter sky's no longer blue
that's when I'll stop loving you
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
scribbler
Mon, 2011-01-31 16:56
when
thank you Shirley...............stan
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2011-01-31 03:09
Sorry to say but it's all so been done before.
One hint towards making something new and fresh of this is in the line
and reporters cease to be so crass
maybe even the one about politicians, without the awkward do for stress
If all the long time or impossible metaphors made a overall statement of their own, perhaps on politics, the environment or something, then I think you could really have something here.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Mon, 2011-01-31 20:43
welcome Jess
This was never intended to be an earth-shattering write lol.And of course its been done before, as has most other subjects. I appreciate your comment and having taken the time to read this, but to change this much would require a near total rewrite. Better perhaps to leave it be and revisit subject later with a new poem.Thanks........................stan PS think I Will redo politicians line
author commentKailashana2
Mon, 2011-01-31 17:44
when crows fly south
when crows fly south
and visit Stan the rhyming man
when weird elf
sits quietly on the shelf
then and only then
I'll have shut my mouth
and those pesky reporters no matter how crass
will long last have learned some class
kissing my ass.
(they once called me a two-bit whore so I hit them
with my bag of quarters.)
Sorry, sometimes I just can't help myself. And your poem was a serious love poem!
~A
scribbler
Mon, 2011-01-31 20:33
when
just sometimes ? lmao....I'm glad you liked it.....................stan
author commentscribbler
Mon, 2011-01-31 20:37
hey Rosi
I was wondering why spell check said harumph was wrong. Gonna take all corrections except fishes which denotes more than one species of fish. Thanks for the corrections and time to comment..................stan
author commentmand
Tue, 2011-02-01 05:43
Ahhh!
This is sooo sweet! This is in fact the sweetest poem ever!
This is what life should be about!
I'm going to go away and blubber now.
Lovely Stan.
Love Mand xxxxxxx
scribbler
Tue, 2011-02-01 08:28
when
hope poem doesn't result in too many cases of diabetes lol. Glad you liked this..........................stan
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2011-02-01 21:58
lol
Hardly.........................scribbler
author commentcrypticbard
Wed, 2011-02-02 07:23
you are correct
If new is all we were after then hardly anything, any poem is new. But this poem is by you and by no other - that's what makes all the difference. Now if we delved into the lines and even in between them we may begin to appreciate each and every poem, including this one. Each poem I will presume that is posted here is posted up in good faith and deserves the respect that poetry deserves. For my part I would like to see cows that refuse to eat grass. We have horses in a paddock a few streets walk away from our house... and they just come running for the grass when we offer them some. No need for sugar cubes. The naturalness and instinctive nature of this behaviour is the hallmark of a solid love as with the metaphor in the poem. It may be banal and common even, but isn't that what lasting love is made of! The kind that we see and hope for when we grow old together, toothless, incontinent and farty. Ah!
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
scribbler
Wed, 2011-02-02 07:43
when
I guess there are metaphors that had not been used:
when old men sleep through out the night
and poets hardly ever fight
and wives prefer to eat in
and catholic priests never sin
When leaves jump back onto the trees
and athletes never hurt their knees
all drivers yield the right of way
and the meek have their own way
These just don't seem to fit into this type poem without the banal lines being sprinkled among them though. I thank you for coming by and leaving such a thoughtful comment....................scribbler
author commentcrypticbard
Wed, 2011-02-02 08:01
it seemeth
the other verses are part and parcel of another poem akin to this one we are discussing. I am hopeful that they find their place one day as most of our fragments and orphan verses tend to, probably when the period of germination or gestation is full, whichever comes first or applies better. :-) It is always a pleasure to visit with poems and be able to share a response. What is that line about 'poets hardly ever' fighting? Put several artistic temperaments in a cage, that should be Poetopia and not the UFC... hahaha...
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
scribbler
Wed, 2011-02-02 11:57
lol
Almost any 2 people can reach an agreement. Any more than that, of any bent, invites argument lol...................stan
author commentcrypticbard
Wed, 2011-02-02 16:58
by that
I guess we can surmise that poets really are by nature quite solitary creatures (?) Or is that reaching too far? ;-)) fred
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
scribbler
Fri, 2011-02-04 22:44
hmmm....
We may just spend more time in our own heads than some others. I consider myself a gregarious loner. Clear as mud huh? lol
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2011-02-02 17:17
the collective noun for a group of poets?
perhaps a polemic of poets
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2011-02-04 22:45
collective noun
POESTS ? LMAO
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-02-04 22:58
you know what a collective noun is?
like a flock of birds
or
a pod of whales
or
a murder of crows
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2011-02-04 23:15
of course
a cacophony of poets.........a rhyme of poets........a study of poets.............a confusion of poets.........a din of poets...........a plethora of poets.........a longwindedness of poets...lol................scribbler
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