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Attack

Submitted by lou on Thu, 2011-02-03 09:19

Jackal dogs on the attack
Rampant,laceration.
Filled with envy and greed.
but we fight back.

Nefarious fiends
Your teeth are showing,
Throw down the gauntlet
We have never been friends..

Attack, retreat, attack
Your battle plan is a classic,
But you’re only exposing what you lack.

Counter action sends
You reeling, Jackal dogs brawling and bitching
you will continue to hit dead ends,

For the hunted will turn back
And strike you.
That is our pact.

The defeated will win.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
A re-write of the poem jackals
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Thu, 2011-02-03 09:31

Tighten this up, Lou.

for example:

(dogs can't nip & wait to attack, the nipping is attacking)

Jackal dogs, crouching
With attack
Filled with envy and spite.

([to for] just is bad form)

Trite little phrases repeated.
you would (or so or another word) victimize.,
but i fight back.

Nefarious fiends put away your weapons,
Your teeth are showing,
Exposing what you lack.

Great ending!

Cheers,
Anna

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