Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Retired Husband

> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> Zellers.
> Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
> in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves
> to browse.
> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Zellers:
> Dear Mrs. Harris,
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
> store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of
> you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
> listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
> people's carts when they weren't looking.
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
> intervals.
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomatoe juice on the floor leading to the
> women's restroom.
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
> 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
> leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
> in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
> costing the company money.
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
> layaway.
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
> shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
> the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
> screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
> 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
> mirror while he picked his nose.
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
> the clerk where the antidepressants were.
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
> ' Mission Impossible' theme.
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
> using different sizes of funnels.
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
> yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
> a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
> And last, but not least:
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
> yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
> clerks passed out.


yep, done most of those things, and ended up shopping alone, as required.

Really cannot fathom the concept of browsing, go in, buy what you want, get out. There are better things to do.

Neopoet Directors

Believe it or not, I hate shopping. Always have. I've an eye for what I want, in and out. Except for sex, then I'm in like Flint. er... wrong metaphors.


author comment

the expression 'in like flynn' was coined for the promiscuous behaviour of Aussie actor, Errol Flynn.
Just a tidbit of trivia for you.

Neopoet Directors

I read this yesterday morning, and then, last night my
wife asked me if I'd like to go shopping (lol), so I told her
a few of the things Mr. Harris was doing, she thought it
was very funny, but now she wants me to go and has
assured me that she plans on holding my hand the entire
time (damn, and I was going to try some out lol)

thanks, enjoyed this for a couple of days

(c) No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.