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The House of Memories

Submitted by alidzain on Thu, 2014-01-30 01:14

This used to be my home
where tears and laughter bloom
nothing fancy inside
but a love which shines bright

White paint on the old walls
now turned to shades of grey.
and here, i remember
the sound of children at play
and my father's deep voice
as he reads the Qur'an
while his students listen
accepting his guidance.

As I entered the rooms
I shared with my siblings,
I find myself missing
moments i hold so dear..
the childhood without fear

Time passed by so quickly
Reluctantly, I walked away
Saying goodbye to the house
.promising to visit another day....

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am practicing the usage of meter on this one. Feel free to point out my mistakes, everyone. I always value your opinions and teachings as I try to improve on my writing.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

alidzain

Thu, 2014-01-30 01:26

alidzain's picture

I am trying to practice the usage of meter here.Feel free to offer your opinions,suggestions and correct my mistakes.

Alid

author comment

Rula

Thu, 2014-01-30 08:26

Rula's picture
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I like it the best.

As you're asking mainly about the meter, as I can see, your first stanza has the most consistant meter, then it goes a bit rough on the other ones.

Can you use the advanced format with the ctrl+B to show where are the stressed syllables as you read it aloud? (if at least the first two stanzas)

PS a typo {stanza 1} "where tears and laughter blooms"....[ blooms] -----> bloom

and the title I thought it should be better stated as "The house of memories" as you are talking about a definite house.

But you must know, I really enjoyed the read. My favorite stanza was the last.

I could say much about this as I really like it, but I see you're more interested in the meter in the fist place.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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alidzain

Thu, 2014-01-30 09:51

alidzain's picture

I'm a bit lost . I don't know how to find the right words to improve on the meter for ;

-the sound of children at play
and my father's deep voice
as he reads the Qur'an
while his students listen
accepting his guidance.

Any suggestions?

author comment

Rula

Fri, 2014-01-31 14:59

Rula's picture
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You don't need to re-write with different words, but I thought you'd tweak a little to smooth the meter

Remember: * Most often the verbs, nouns adj,and adv. are "stressed" / "accented e.g. word, play, strong, fast...etc. whereas the articles, pronouns and prepositions are "unstressed" / "unaccented" e.g, to, she, the, that , which...etc. ** Some words have more than one syllable, e.g. ha/ppy (2 syllables, the first here is stressed while the second is unstressed), win/dy,... part of the word then is stressed and part is unstressed.

To have a smooth read and a consistant meter we need to make a consistant pattern of the stressed and the unstressed syllables.

Hope this helps a bit.

PS. You can always check the dictionary to know the stressed/unstressed part of the word. It should be your best friend.

 

 

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

alidzain

Thu, 2014-01-30 09:25

alidzain's picture

actually,I'm hoping that i can also offer you an enjoyable read as I learn from you, Rula. All of you are so good at writing. I am still considered a novice here and I really mean it when I say I want to learn. I humbly accept any criticisms and suggestions from you.

Alid
Editing it now....

author comment

raj

Fri, 2014-01-31 14:06

It is a rough draft and you have mentioned that you are practicing to build into it a smooth flow / meter. while you work on it, you may take following into account:-

1. The more you read aloud, you would be able to identify the place/s where you need to tidy up
2. The title mentions "house" where as the verse mentions "home" which have a subtle difference
3. To me stanza 2 & 4 work like a poetry whereas the other sound more like a description/commentary

Please accept the above as friendly suggestions. also take into consideration Rula's suggestions and those of others who will visit and leave a comment.

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Poem

Sat, 2014-02-01 08:43

Poem's picture

I did like the flow of your poem. First stanza is my fav, its quite catchy. Well I am not much experienced nor expert even am here to learn. And your are at right place, we have lot of experienced poets here who would help us out. So no worries, all i suggest is whenever you write down a poem read it aloud its helps.

Cheers,

Kavi

Seren

Sat, 2014-02-01 10:00

Seren's picture

I just found this one in stream and I think its a poem that you've brought a sense of home and the comfort it brings you to the poem, I do have a few ideas but its 2am here one glaring on that stands out for me is this

Saying goodbye to the house
.promising a visit another day....promising [to] visit another day, instead of [a]

I think this is a lovely poem I will be back tomorrow night my friend

take care

love and hugs JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

alidzain

Fri, 2014-02-07 02:10

alidzain's picture

done the edit. thanks.

love and hugs
Alid

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