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DIRGE
Let me stand here in the driven rain
in an overcoat that's near as old as me
with mind turned inward once again
trying not to feel the pain.
All around as far as I can see
the world is different shades of gray
and it has naught to do with me.
I wonder how this came to be.
As each year goes on its own way
I find I become more alone,
time washes all I love away
just like the rain on this wet day.
I remember how the sun once shone
upon a younger carefree man
awash with kin and strong of bone
who spoke in a confident tone.
Now losses mount because they can
desertions grow up one by one
of all who dared to love this man
since when my story first began.
So let the rain weep with this son
as a final eulogy is read
for another life now lived and done.
I long for a day of bright sun.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Rula
Tue, 2014-01-21 00:12
Hello Stan
A nice though sad "Dirge" (Dirge is a new word for me as well as Carries threnody) so thanks for that.
I've enjoyed this as all your pieces but have some thoughts I'd like to share.They are minor of course, so you have all the right to discard them altogether.
I thought some lines are longer than others, but I won't point them as I know you must be well aware of them and will come to them later on.
I'd change stanza No. 4 as to the interrogative mood, so I'd say something like
Remember how the sun once shone [I'd remove the I]
upon a younger carefree man
awash with kin and strong of bone
who spoke in a confident tone [ add a "?"]
and the last line, I'd make bright "brighter"
Don't ask me why, as I said only how I feel.
Thanks for sharing you dirge anyway. Much enjoyed.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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scribbler
Tue, 2014-01-21 08:24
greetings
I'm always happy to keep you busy spotting my flaws lol. I appreciate the visit and thoughtful comment. And as always I'll keep them in mind in eventual edit............stan
author commentRula
Tue, 2014-01-21 12:20
No flaws
Just thoughts Stan..You know this is all what Neopoet about, isn't it?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
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scribbler
Thu, 2014-01-23 22:46
Rula
I Know most of my stuff is flawed as are most things wrought by man. I just hope that the flaws occasionally add to a poem so it can offset the times when it doesn't..............stan
author commentIan.T
Tue, 2014-01-21 03:43
Stan
As usual another quill excursion into our minds, I thought the title was a typo and should have been Ridge, as with age we reach a certain time like topping a ridge where life behind has done its thing.
There in front of you is a space that has to be filled.
The memories of what you have achieved will be like a backpack for the journey into the space you see.
It is up to the individual what the space contains, for you I shall give mountain streams, aspen groves where the beaver plays, and twelve pointers awaiting your choice. where now the choice is to watch them play in perfection.
Only joking about the title typo but the write was very good and I couldn't say of anything I would change so I made it all ups.
Loves you dear friend, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Tue, 2014-01-21 08:27
hello Ian
Ever notice how bad weather seems to occur so often during a funeral. I don't make it a habit of going to funerals but I'd bet that half the ones I've gone to it has been either bone cold or wet. Thanks for dropping by..........stan
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