Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Neighbourly Are We.... N.A.W...

Neighbourly Are We…..N.A.W.

Do we really care if Mandela is dead,
just another news item we’ve had a lot.
That a soldier shot his prisoner in the head,
they get our ooh’s an ahs but soon forgot.

Have we become saturated in raw death,
seeing it daily on telly, computer or phone.
No second look or sharp intake of breath,
acknowledging that in death, we are alone.

Our thoughts go with them glad it’s not us,
can’t say it out loud but it’s always to mind.
Just like them our own life is so precarious,
only for you this time lady luck was kind.

Aren’t we allowed to say it as the cameras roll,
surely society wouldn’t call us out as cowards.
Who’s glad to be alive let’s take a straw poll,
I for one, know which side I lean towards.

Or have you a life so bad it’s not worth living,
if so come forward, see if we can help it change.
Are we a nation of ones, who’ve stopped giving,
see I’m a heathen, and if so I’d find it very strange.

I’m certainly not mister perfect no sir not at all,
but I fight for equality of man if and when I can.
And I certainly have dreams I’m not Neanderthal,
but children dying of bombs or cold is not my plan.

We don’t help each other, no we allow others to lead,
do you not find it irresponsible that this worlds a mess.
Because we’re behind the men who’re so full of greed,
who say they’re religious, yet make us buy Christmas.

So next time your feeling oh so sorry for yourself,
remember time and tide doesn’t wait for no one.
Remove that scared look come down off that shelf,
stand by your neighbours and ask,
what would Mandela have done?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
After all great men are only humans who have done something for their fellow man, we should stop being lead by idiots tied to the corporations..
Editing stage: 

Comments

This really is just a terrible write. from the get go we have a confused opening about Mandela which goes nowhere but jumps to an unknown soldier presumably on the news - the language is boring , grey, pedestrian, it offers nothing in terms of poetry only complaint says that we are steeped in raw death ( is there any other kind - cooked, cordon bleu cuisine style death?) assumes much for the reader and imposes reactions on them and generally preaches what we are feeling all the way through. The sound of it read out is ugly, the words uninspiring, the message obvious and finishes off with a good dose of cliche and moralizing. It's not even worth rewriting.
Jimm

Thank you Jim, your comments are always appreciated. Regards Roscoe.

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Love the title and the rhyming structure is spot on. The theme is close to the British heart - We Brits seem to have forgotten how to be neighbourly - being mostly passive news watchers, waiting for the next fix! We seem to have lost the ability to be pro-active. ( despite being a "Christian" country ). I agree with your sentiments - maybe your poem will move us to be more pro-active - I hope so.

Not sure about the first stanza - probably me, but it didn't seem to flow so well. ( but then I'm no expert - see what others say ).

Good to read your work! you make a difference by highlighting the flaws of society and in so doing we question our own persona - which can only be good!

Love Mand xxxxxxxxx

Ps Don't worry about Mr Pringle ( unless he has something constructive to say ) - He's an internet troll! Lol

but you haven't even made any constructive comment. Tell him if you will that this makes no real sense or how to improve it. in other words write it for him then call yourself a constructive analyst of the written word. As for your writing i have made allowances for your challenges.
Jimm

Thank you jim for taking such a close interest in my work. I had hardly time to take note of what you said the first time you commented, and yet here you are again keen to help. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Thank you Mand, glad you enjoyed this, and i totally agree we are just news watchers. I will give that first stanza some thought. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

hope the now defunct Pringle didn't bother you too much.

I love the passion, the power and the truth of this, perhaps you can hear my feelings towards it a bit in this reading. Which also shows that it is bloody good poetry. Some flaws just not worth pointing out in context.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1vdGcTCHIcK

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thank you Jess, i'm glad you enjoyed this. And i really appreciated hearing you read it aloud. Mr Prngle only hurt himself, i think he could have made some friends here if he had just took it down a notch. We don't want mice here on Neopoet, but we must be civil with each other even with stern criticism. MANY thanks again, Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

This write shows sensitivity about what's going on around us and whether we should just stand and watch...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you raj for your time and comments, i believe we should not stand by and watch. I try in my own way to change this world, tilting at windmills perhaps but i can't stand back. Regards Roscoe

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Typo in stanza 5 . Pretty sure you mean ones not one's. The way I read this out loud there are some lines which seem a beat or two too long. I'm sure you can find and correct them if you also read this aloud. Now on to content, I think you are correct that the media has overexposed us to the injustices being done to and by one another and thus made us numb to them. Kudos for saying this.................stan

Thank you Stan for your comments, and correction that i will attend to now. Thanks again. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.