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The Dance of the Narcissus

The thought of too much sun
is enough to dry my inelegant
years down to a red soil.
For in that heated world where
you fidget within your own
heart's laager, listening to the lonely
squatting syllables of a war dance,
there is no seasoning to the
feast in your mind's migrations.

The necessary travel that you undertake
as a benevolent foreigner to serve the
benighted "us" is a pilgrimage around
your own small camp fire.

Strip dried on sticks of illogical practicalities
the skinned hide of your thoughts, useless and
discarded like soiled nappies in the nursery trash,
diverts and entertains us as we chew your words
like captured hyenas, we are laughing canine kings of the
absolute truth,immersed on the dry veldt of your
paper.

We guard our words, lost yet living on past delights,
patient for that omnipotent Boer's bullet point to affirm
us.

I entered the table on the mountain and called
for that feast of brotherhood , instead I faced Chaka
and the Impi of your chanting soul. Now without war
I have no victory only the blow of the solid knobkerry
of reason and the slicing kiss of the logician's assegai
to lay against my soft flesh and so I undertake
the great trek to the drying racks once more
where you shred and dry me into the perfect Biltong
man of your poems

Last few words: 
A little fun
Editing stage: 

Comments

Your title refers to:- "The Dance of the Narcissus"
Well your theme was disconnected from the title, as in your write you refer to firstly "MY" then to the other person termed as "YOU" then you flit as a person without logical form from me to you from "US".
Narcissus, was he supposed to love only himself, there have been a few poems on this theme, the others seem to find a connection can you say where that is???
Narcissus is the origin of the term narcissism, a fixation with oneself.
This all sounds as if you are a Golam, talking to Smoogle, about his own inadequacies and the people around him, all trying to look bright with a bit of South African knowledge thrown in.
Have you been to South Africa then??
Then your last two lines are incorrect, I have yet to see Biltong made in this way, :- where you shred and dry meat into the perfect Biltong
Have a great day and look forward to reading more of your bits,
Yours as always, Yenti

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I suspect you just don't like Billy. For good reasons. He called you bad names. If he had done the same to me I would be unlikely to forgive and would probably have abused the fuck out of him. But you are a better man than I am.

There is power in this work, sure it is flawed, but you can give a better critique than you have. Starting with the title. It is valid.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

You are right, I dislike the guy as he has been the cause of many problems over the last few weeks.
He can call me what he likes, but I think he was the cause of Beauregard leaving, and we needed young poets with her knowledge and ability on Neopoet.
His continuous attack on others here became intolerable, the comment on this piece was to me quite valid, but as you asked I have retracted my claws and rewritten most of my comment.
Jess, you and me have had a few run ins over the past few years but the end result is a damn good teacher now a moderator lol.
I couldn't see the connection here to the title, Narcissus is the origin of the term narcissism, a fixation with oneself.
There were too many switches from me to you to us in the piece,
But you and others have liked it so I will let that slide.
You take care young Elf and please update me on your Walkabout.
. You take care and I will talk later, Yours as always,
Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

you penned an awesome piece here..such a powerfully expressed write packed with heartfelt emotion...great stuff

you penned an awesome piece here..such a powerfully expressed write packed with heartfelt emotion...great stuff

Flaws in this are obvious to anyone with a modicum of understanding of English, syntax, structure , consistency of theme and the jokey nature and irony of the title was the clue. Butterfly was fried when he read it , lost his wings, wit and sense of objective restraint and launched himself into a whirlwind of incoherent resentment only to find himself revealed for what he is . A naked intellectual dwarf. Thanks for the feedback of personal truths Butterfly.
Now if anyone cares to are there any suggestions as to improvement to this rather splodgy piece?
As for beau - he did the best thing by leaving . he will get honest, deep, knowledgeable feedback that will allow him to develop his skills rather than stew in his own juices like certain other lost souls here including Butterfly.
Understand the responsibilities a writer has to the poem rather than the social vanities of this site might just make some people a much better writer. Esker for example would do best to leave too and seek advice ( though i understand his reasons not to). Butterfly would be better to plaster the shed, or fix his toy trains rather than contribute.

Jimm

author comment

There is really no need to be so adversarial. Beau (she, by the way) is one of the most intelligent and finest poets on this site. She has given excellent blogs and forums on critique and has contributed more than most could ever hope to. If you had any part in her leaving (and I think it was mostly Crud and Haddock) you did wrong.

I am not going to crit this poem but I will others of yours. Please play nice. It is not your personal mission to reform Neopoet although we could certainly do with some stirring up. Just don't be such an arsehole about it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

her decisions are her's alone. I didn't choose this I was assaulted by butterfly and have proceeded to tell him about his writing which is sugary sweet sentimental flim flam accompanied by a nasty streak of self regarding ignorance. As you can see above! He is so filled with nastiness he fell for that rubbish above like a fly to sticky paper.
We all like the sound of our own voice , that's why we write and beau no less than the rest of us - as for the troika of twerps that seem to inhabit the recesses of neopoet like the three billy goats gruff well they can post all they want - it looks to me they will always be stuck in that nether world of second hand emotional inspiration covered in filth or sentimental dross.
Jimm

author comment

or any of the seriously good poets, like Themoonman, William Saint George, Wesley Snow and others. You are cheapening yourself.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Alright . Give me time . I will read them .
Jimm

author comment
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