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The clouds roll along

Submitted by loved on Thu, 2013-12-19 16:34

The clouds roll along
as I for you sing a song
the beauty lies is the scenes
we see

the night is young we see
we may stay awake all day all night
and kiss by the moonlight

be my light tonight
we will not sleep that's right
tonight

the vastness takes us far away
within my heart as ever
you do stay

the trees tall remind you of me
and the distant valleys
we both love to see

but tonight we will not sleep
let’s stay awake

make love to me
tonight we won't sleep
darling tonight we will forever meet
sleep… sleep not …and sleep

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

loved

Fri, 2013-12-20 08:56

loved's picture

lovely thanks for the pretty comment..Captain all ahoy oh boy!

loved

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2013-12-21 13:43

weirdelf's picture
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ah, it's been a while, friend Loved, a gem.

Do not like the last line. Spoils the whole tone.

Perhaps something like
sleep… sleep not …and sleep

but tonight we won't sleep [delete this]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

loved

Sat, 2013-12-21 21:59

loved's picture

corrected as suggested
Merry Christmas ,
if you believe in it

loved

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